The People's Champions

"We fight for lost causes because we know that our defeat and dismay may be the preface to our successors' victory."

A day out that was confidently expected to end around lunchtime eventually drew to a close in the early evening as heavy underdogs, Offley & Stopsley C.C., otherwise known as the People's Champions, took their leave of Knebworth Park having reached the club's first final since 2008.

Unquestionably no one was more surprised at making it through to the final than the team themselves, the semi-final victory prompting a flurry of hastily rearranged plans.

Ultimately they were not victorious on the pitch - not exactly a shock as they were up against a side six divisions above them in the Saracens League, a gap that will be confirmed as eight divisions once the tables are finalised on Saturday night.

Yet at the end of a torrid season where the club flag has been subjected to shot and shell, it was heartening to know it still fluttered defiantly in the early evening light.

Fuck everybody else.

There were heroes everywhere; Jono Evetts who held the batting together in the final; Steve Bexfield who stepped into the breach to field in the semi-final before going home for his lunch when he might have batted; Matty Taylor who abandoned his lunch to rush to the rescue in the final; Kaiz Ul-Haq who contributed runs and wickets; and Luke Munt who came out of retirement, anxious to discover what it's like to appear in a final because as any Watford fan can tell you, they don't know much about such things.

Marks out of 10 for everyone involved:

9 Jono Evetts: So much to admire from Evetts on his return to Knebworth where he once enjoyed smoked salmon sandwiches, glasses of sherry and bridge nights with the locals. On this day he showed the ability to play every shot in the book, especially one he has no great aptitude for, the reverse sweep that cost him his wicket in the final. Despite that he top-scored in the final with 64, shared a match-winning partnership with Ben Wiles in the semi-final, doffed his cap and kissed the Offley badge and managed to avoid falling out with anyone.

8 Ben Wiles: Just the third man to captain Offley in a cup final after Steve Bexfield and Keith Towndrow, Wiles gets 7.5 marks for his performance in the semi-final and 0.5 for his efforts in the final. In the semi-final he took two wickets, snaffled three catches that ranged from the difficult to the absurd and top-scored with a cracking 40. In the final he did none of those things.

7 Kaiz Ul-Haq: Anyone who has met Kaiz will know he is witty, charming, urbane and debonair, qualities that have allowed him to cut a dash through Offley society and establish himself as the bored housewives' favourite. Out in the middle he allows his bat to do the talking. The problem comes when he has to communicate with his partner whereupon he seems to be struck dumb like a ventriloquist's dummy without a hand up his arse, unable to utter the words, "Yes," "No" or "Wait." This can cause complications and it was perhaps no surprise when he became the second player after Nathan Brodie to be run out in a semi-final and final on the same day. Three wickets in the semi were followed by runs in the final as he shared a crucial stand with Evetts.

6 Rehaan Samdani: Offley's leading wicket-take on the day with four, including three in the final where he did his best James Bay impression but ultimately failed to hold back the river engulfing Offley's desperate position. Picked up one wicket from a legside stumping via the thigh pad, another at backward point that bounced and a third dismissing the number 11 who'd been promoted up the order.

6 Jamie Cummins: Didn't play but did a solid job scoring the old-fashioned way with pen and paper. Earns bonus marks for pointedly refusing to shake the hand of the bloke in the Watford shirt who didn't seem to have played any part in proceedings but had wandered on the pitch at the end to take part in the post-match formalities.

5.5 Josh Scott: Rebounded from an abysmal opening over to take wickets at the death in the semi-final and also hit the winning runs. Out to a pretty poor shot in the final but subsequently helped to stem the flow of runs and ensured the contest was not over before it had even reached halfway. Also unwittingly provided us with his marvellous impression of a one-footed shot putter....

5.5 Darren Lunney: Impressive bowling display in the semi-final where he chopped down the opposition giant. Dispatched to all parts in the final but held two catches, one of which shouldn't have counted, the other, an alligator special, which accounted for someone who seemed to think he was Virat Kohli and really fucked up his day. Shame. Performed vital work after the game by locating the boiler and turning the showers down.

5.5 Dan Goord: Helped set Offley on the road to victory in the semi-final with a sparkling 22 that featured a number of trademark cuts and slashes. Helped set Offley on the road to defeat in the final by missing his second ball and getting bowled without scoring.

5.5 Scott Boatwright: The stand-in keeper took two catches and a stumping over the course of the day (otherwise known as a month's worth of dismisals) and provided a solid reassuring presence throughout. In the final he played at least three shots to the same ball, all of which missed and he was bowled.

4.5 Richie Barker: The only man to appear in all seven of Offley's cup finals, Barker offered solid evidence that he should have called it a day after the sixth one. Caught on the boundary in the semi-final, caught on the crease in the final, it was not his finest hour. He would have retired if Offley had won.

4 Matty Taylor: If the finest cricketers in the world are lesbians, surely it stands to reason that a man who looks like a lesbian should be a fine cricketer. The buxom Taylor disproves this theory. He sacrificed his lunch for the cause, rushing to Knebworth to answer an S.O.S. and then sacrificed his chest when stopping a ball he will feel he might have got his hands to.

4 Steve Bexfield: Answered the call and stepped up when Offley found themselves a man down and did his best in the field. Made a couple of important stops, dived over one and tried to catch one with his ankle which made you wonder if spectators Martin Wiles or Wayne Cutts might not have been better options. Nonetheless Bexfield's presence was inspirational as he sacrificed elevenses. His reluctance to sacrifice his lunch meant he left before the semi-final was over, even though he had been sportingly given permission to bat by the opposition. They'd evidently seen him bat before.

3 Luke Munt: Scored as many runs in the final as Watford have managed goals in their two cup finals. Not his best day in the field and during the closing stages of the semi-final he was hauled away from the boundary he was abjectly failing to patrol to a position at short midwicket where his sideboard-type physique deterred the opposition from attempting any quick singles. 

N/A Shaun Banes: Went into the game with 10 working digits. Left for A&E in the second over with nine working digits.