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Showing posts from July, 2023

A Jolly Day Out

  OSCC 162-9, lost to _ _ _ _ _  _ _ _ _  &  _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 165-8, by two wickets Not a lot to say about this one really. Well, obviously that's not strictly true. There's a lot that could be said about legside wides and an LBW decision that wasn't given even though the batsman had elected not to play a shot and was hit in front of middle. Then there was the stumping that wasn't given. The persistent coaching from the umpire advising his batters when to come back for a second run. Wasted advice really as there's pretty much always two to any Offley fielder. And finally, in the last over, the run out that was not, a decision - or not - that was beyond pathetic. Incidentally said umpire was the one who was reprieved when not playing a shot when hit in front of middle so maybe it's like a glorified cricketing circle jerk where everyone gets off.... Still, when you're in Divison Three Thousand and are desperately trying to finish in the top six, then obviousl

Player Profile #26: James Barker

  Cricket is famous for some of its legendary brothers. On the world stage Australia have given the game the Chappells, the Waughs, the Marshes and the Husseys. England had the Smiths, the Bedsers and the Hollioakes. West Indies had Dwayne and Darren Bravo. Zimbabwe produced Grant and Andy Flower. New Zealand had Jeff and Martin Crowe. At a slightly less exalted level, Offley have featured the Tattersalls, the Hooks and the St Johns. Young tyro James Barker might not be related by blood to any other Offley player (apart from his dad who has played the occasional game) but he does have a role model and big brother figure to look up to in Jamie Cummins. This inseparable pair are more like the Trotter brothers, Del and Rodney, with JB assuming the mantle of naive innocent Rodney looking up to his streetwise older brother Del. JB and JC Rodney JB regards Jamie as someone he hopes to grow up to be just like - an accomplished cricketer and a man of the world with a fine taste in style and f

Chinks, Kinks and the Batting Stinks

  OSCC, 82 all out, lost to Langford, 199-8, by 117 runs Considering the entire UK economy is now seemingly dependent on everything being produced in China, it should come as no surprise that Offley are now dependent on C. Hinks for wickets. That would be Connor Hinks, who took 4-29 on his debut against Langford, a performance that means he's taken more wickets in 7 overs than 15 other Offley bowlers have mustered so far this year. Opposing batsmen will now beware that among the traditional buffet options available at Offley, there is now a dangerous Chinky to be treated with respect. Despite that performance Offley rarely threatened to stem the flow of runs, although did gain a moral victory by restricting the visitors to under 200. In fairness if we're looking for specks of gold in another huge sack of shite, it could be pointed out that Langford managed 97 runs fewer than last time, Offley scored four runs more and the margin of defeat was slashed from 208 to 117. Someone pa


  OSCC, 145-6, lost to Baldock, 146-6, by 4 wickets  Green green grass, blue blue skies, I hope we win a game again before we all fucking die. Offley slipped to defeat at Baldock on Saturday, a defeat that essentially gaurantees a third consecutive relegation. This latest fiasco reeked of self-sabotage as six catches went down, the captain was given out LBW by his own umpire and the club's all-time leading wicket taker picked a fine time to produce the worst spell of his career. Useless ginger cunt. Despite all that we really should have won and even after hopes of victory went by the board nearly salvaged a tie before losing off the penultimate ball. It's not the despair. I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand.  For the second week in a row Offley lost a crucial toss on a damp green surface under leaden skies and were duly asked to bat in the middle of a hurricane. Hurrah. Offley were without skipper Josh Scott, currently sidelined with a back injury susta


  OSCC, 144-6, lost to the Usual Suspects, 149-6, by 4 wickets Scott "The Dot" Boatwright You wait months for a really tedious innings from an Offley opening batsman and then two come along on the same weekend. Hours after Dead-Bat Barker's epic against St Albans, Scott "The Dot" Boatwright lumbered along slowly in his footsteps as he made 44 from 40 overs. While Bazball won the day at Headingley, Slo-Bo failed to come up trumps against the Usual Suspects in a typically contentious affair that involved the customary dubious umpiring we've come to expect from this lot. Offley lost the toss and were invited to bat, Jono Evetts walking out to the middle with Boatwright. Evetts faced the first ball of the match and then as soon as Scott the Dot got on strike the run rate began to fall. Cheese has sprouted hair and turned blue quicker than Boatwright scored his runs on Sunday. Whereas Barker had been able to capitalise on his legendary speed between the wickets o


 OSCC, 116-5, lost to St Albans, 117-2, by 8 wickets Rarely has an innings by an Offley batsman provoked such a rapid outpouring of excitement, amusement, pleasure and sheer delight as Richie Barker's unbeaten 43 against St Albans. It was a batting performance that brought Morse Code to life with a load of dots and the occasional dash for a single. For as long as cricket is played at Offley people will say "I was there." And for every one who can say that there will be at least three who say, "Thank fuck I wasn't." On a pitch reminiscent of a heavily mined quagmire, Barker used all his skill to chancelessly bat through all 35 overs of the innings to provide his team with a route to a defendable total, one they ultimately failed narrowly to achieve. After a delayed start due to thunder, lightning and torrential rain, Josh Scott inevitably lost a crucial toss and Offley found themselves obliged to bat on a damp, sticky surface where the ball stubbornly refused

Munt's Mercy Mission Meets Massive Mishap

  OSCC, 107-6, beat Kemptson, 106 all out, by 4 wickets And I would walk five hundred miles  And I would walk five hundred more Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles So I could get cleaned up first ball Offley stormed into the top six of the Bedfordshire League - an entire third of the teams in the division are now below us - with a four-wicket win at Kempston. Offley restricted the hosts to just 106 as Ben Wiles took three wickets and Mark Tattersall claimed two more as Kempston were shot out with nearly five overs to spare. The run chase began poorly. Luke Munt - called up at the eleventh hour after an exhausting morning 's dogging dog-walking - was undone by the first delivery he faced.  This was an undeserved fate for Luke who had sped across Bedfordshire to do his bit for the cause.  He had literally walked a thousand miles to open the batting. Therefore it was unfortunate he should have to walk a few more yards back to the pavilion within 30 seconds of taking guard.


 OSCC, 175-9, lost to Great Gaddesden 208-5, by 33 runs A superb performance from Offley saw them slash the gap to safety at the bottom of the table from 85 points to 81 points at the halfway mark of the season. There were heroes everywhere as an unprecedented five batsmen scored at least 20 - no fewer than seven batsmen either matched or bettered their highest score of the year, including Matty Taylor with an unbeaten 26, a performance that means as of July 1st Matty T tops the batting averages with a mark of 37. Please bow your heads and take a moment's silence to consider what that means for where we are as a club. Luke Munt batted beautifully, bowled hopelessly and kept wicket heroically. Steve Denton, the Run Miser, conceded just 15 runs in eight wicketless overs and Richie Barker saved a certain boundary with (what Matthew Freeman would have described as) a fantastic parry at mid off. If he'd caught it, dangerman Crawley would have been out for 40 instead of the 89 he act