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Chinks, Kinks and the Batting Stinks

 OSCC, 82 all out, lost to Langford, 199-8, by 117 runs


Considering the entire UK economy is now seemingly dependent on everything being produced in China, it should come as no surprise that Offley are now dependent on C. Hinks for wickets.

That would be Connor Hinks, who took 4-29 on his debut against Langford, a performance that means he's taken more wickets in 7 overs than 15 other Offley bowlers have mustered so far this year.

Opposing batsmen will now beware that among the traditional buffet options available at Offley, there is now a dangerous Chinky to be treated with respect.

Despite that performance Offley rarely threatened to stem the flow of runs, although did gain a moral victory by restricting the visitors to under 200.

In fairness if we're looking for specks of gold in another huge sack of shite, it could be pointed out that Langford managed 97 runs fewer than last time, Offley scored four runs more and the margin of defeat was slashed from 208 to 117.

Someone pass the champagne.....

Or hemlock.

That being said it wasn't one of our most glorious days.

Two batsmen reached double figures, including Hinks who after one game has established himself as some sort of mythical Stokesian figure capable of achieving things most other Offley players cannot dream of.

Five catches went down, making it 11 for the weekend, a figure that's pretty impressive even by our standards.

Jono Evetts set the tone in the first over when he dropped Foghorn Cleghorn without scoring - this being the same Foghorn Cleghorn who got 127 in the first match.

This time he only got 46 so it wasn't as expensive as Boaty shelling the fella at Sandridge.

On the subject of Captain Scott, he managed to bungle a run out of such staggering proportions which while it would not have altered the course of the game, merely emphasised the gulf that exists between a team that is merely incompetent inept and our own unique blend of splendid spasticity.

Amidst the carnage Connor Gallop took a fine catch in his ribs while Jamie Cummins pulled off a sensational one-handed grab, following it up with a high-pitched yelp of surprise which was apparently the sort of noise a eunuch makes at the precise moment of castration.

Cummins has now taken twice as many catches as every other Offley player bar Josh Scott this season - and if you'd seen him drop the one off Josh the other week you'd have to conclude that he must have had twice as many opporuntities as everyone else.

Ben Wiles and Evetts both picked up a couple of wickets while Mark Tattersall showed he's not the man you want to be trapped in an escape room with as he conceded a boundary off the last ball of seven of his eight overs.

The batting was roughly on a par with most of our other efforts in the Beds League this year, which is to say we got bombed out for double figures.

The opening pair of Evetts and Boatwright both found the boundary (once) before Evetts did well to steer an extremely wide one to a fielder and Boatwright perished attempting what might have been a slog sweep but probably wasn't.

John Davis, the infamous Johnny 69, plundered his highest score of the season, making 4 before he was once again bowled by a shooter.

This time the ball only hit two thirds of the way up the stump unlike last time when it hit three quarters of the way up.

Davis walked back to contemplate another rebrand, this time as Johnny 57 which represents the number of runs he's scored in 27 innings for Offley.

Tattersall made a defiant 6 before the lower middle order of Gallop, Wiles and Gilkes was swept away.

The less said about this the better although Gilkes finished up with more dropped catches than runs while Wiles succumbed to what Munt described as the worst shot he's ever seen by a recognised batsman.

Munt was the shining light of the batting display. Standing firm and swinging and swaying defiantly like a man who's just heard the call of last orders at the buffet, Munt struck four boundaries and finished with a season-best 28 before he missed a mighty heave at a Gentle delivery.

That was Chris Gentle who took 5 for 26, giving him figures of 8 for 46 in two matches against Offley this season.

The other 10 batters managed 40 runs between them including 10 from the debutant.

Hope was officially extinguished when Cummins was dismissed for a single to mercifully bring the curtain down on proceedings.

In seven losses on a Sunday that's now five double-digit debacles: 40, 57, 69, 78 and 82.

Still nothing as shit as Stony Stratford's 37 all out against us though 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Afterwards the bar was apparently full of tales that constitute part of life's rich tapestry (no names will be mentioned here), tales that can be filed under the heading of kinks and peccadilloes and youthful escapades and left you wondering how many of Offley's finest down the years might have received one of these....


Back to the cricket and as a footnote there's really only one thing left to say (in Chinese if you please) about the 11 heroes on display in this debacle.

无用的贱人
Wúyòng de jiàn rén

Exactly.......

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