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Peter's Pies

  In 2020 Offley thought they had discovered a new seam bowler capable of causing problems for any batting lineup. Peter Gilkes burst on to the scene and claimed 21 wickets at 14.61 in his first full season, a performance that would have comfortably earned him the bowling trophy had the award not been suspended due to Covid.  While the pandemic deprived him of a trophy, his subsequent bout with Covid appears to have robbed him of pace, pep and potency and left him in dire need of some cricketing Viagra to revive his flagging fortunes. Since the start of 2021 Gilkes has taken just six wickets in 97 overs at the alarming cost of 75.83 runs apiece, the new ball nemesis becoming the batsman's buddy. The nadir arguably arrived on Sunday in a three-over opening spell against Waresley that leaked 29 runs and saw the new ball lost forever in a holly bush. The only threat Gilkes posed to the batsmen was that they would succumb to indigestion in hurriedly scoffing down the pies he was servin
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Schmucks, Ducks and a Whole Lotta Fucks

  OSCC, 70 all out, lost to Pinner, 73-5, by 5 wickets & OSCC, 230 all out, lost to Waresley, 255-7, by 25 runs "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Cunt!" That disappointingly profane assessment of proceedings from one of Offley's dismissed batsmen in the death throes of Sunday's defeat was nonetheless a reasonable summing up of a weekend where Offley lost twice and nine of 19 batsmen were out without scoring. A weekend that began with Dan Goord falling first ball to set in motion an unfortunate collapse to 15-6 at Pinner ended with Eugene Baxter falling to his first ball for the club and capping a splendid collapse from 207-3 to 230 all out. Goord won the toss at Pinner and after some hesitation elected to bat on a hot sunny day that conjured memories of Greenwood Park for those unfortunate enough to have suffered through that debacle.  The stand-in skipper (and no, putting Dan back in charge isn't like giving the bloke who steered th

Tales of a Teenage Terrace Tearaway

The cricket season may be getting into full swing and England may have a new captain, coach and whatever it is that Rob Key is called but there's no escaping the fact that football violence is hogging the headlines and the back pages.  These are dark days for the people's game. Unfortunately for OSCC there is an overlap. Because one of our own is both capable of terrorising opposition batsmen (when he actually manages to land the ball on the strip at any rate) and causing carnage, confusion and chaos among opposition football fans. That elderly youth is of course none other than Jamie Cummins.  The link below illustrates just what devastation Cummins is capable of when the red mist descends. Offley & Stopsley Cricket Club (@OSCricketClub) / Twitter On the cricket field Jamie Lad is a force of nature, chugging into the crease like an enthusiastic young librarian pushing a heavy trolley of books to spray the ball optimistically towards the batsman's stumps.  Or, occasiona

Boaty Walks On Water

  OSCC, 206-2 beat Eaton Bray, 172 all out by 34 runs Scott Boatwright's customary aversion to rain is caused by the fear that his lovingly arranged strands of hair will be swept away like a coastal resort in the face of a tsunami, something the renowned Bobby Charlton doppelganger can ill afford. And yet on Sunday, for 111 deliveries, Boaty walked on water on his way to an unbeaten 89 and was cruelly denied a maiden century by the elements that reduced the game to 35 overs a side. The good news for the rest of humanity was that a Boatwright century would invariably have marked the beginning of the end of days with the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding forth to do their bit. As it was the bold Boatwright (that's bold not bald) settled for a career best 89 not out, a score that is likely to produce an investigation into the charity Boat Aid and see it shut down for embezzling runs. As befitting the conditions he made customary use of his textbook paddle shot, scoring the bu

The Bald Eagle Soars

  OSCC, 111-0, beat Queens Park, 107 all out, by 10 wickets   If I had the wings of an eagle, if I had the arse of a crow I'd fly over Kempston tomorrow and shit on the bastards on below.... Offley opened their Beds campaign by sauntering to a 10-wicket win over Queens Park at Preston. On a day where Luke Munt sparkled with the bat and Ben Wiles caused mayhem with the ball, the real plaudits were reserved for a truly stunning catch by the bald eagle of Offley, Roger Piepenstock. Queens Park won the toss and opted to bat.  Still waiting for their new kit to be delivered - evidently a trifling concern to their chairman and kit organiser who was absent elsewhere dining on foie gras and caviar - Offley took the field in an assortment of different shirts, including those of Luton Bowls Club, Piepenstock's Fisherman's Club and bearded-maestro Peter Gilkes' Secret Santa Club. After four overs, despite having scored just 1 run off the bat, Queen's Park had advanced to 11-0

Lunney's Bunnies

  The Steele Family, 175-6, beat OSCC, 73 all out, by 102 runs Offley produced one of the more inept batting displays in their history as they crashed to humiliating defeat at the hands of the Steele Family. Considering the sport, the Steeles played an unusual 4-4-2 formation featuring four players named Steele, four players not named Steele and two ringers in the form of Josh Hook and Darren Lunney.  For reasons that became apparent long before the end they didn't feel the need to bring an 11th player, making do instead with substitute Offley fielders. On a day when only two Offley batsmen reached double figures (actually it was three but one of those was Hook), the game was done and dusted long before the scheduled drinks interval. Lunney, the Geordie Judas, was the destroyer-in-chief as he ran through the top of the Offley order to record figures of 4-3-4-4, leaving the Offley batting lineup looking like an X-rated version of Watership Down . The visitors batted first and posted

Lilley Hammered

  OSCC 223-8 beat Lilley 105 by 118 runs Offley gained their opening victory of the 2022 season by thrashing local rivals Lilley. To quote the Geordie tones of stand-in skipper Darren Lunney, there was nor way this would be anything but a bit of Lilley hammer.... Despite a Covid disruption on the morning of the match and despite a couple of Offley players swelling the Lilley ranks (including Ali Shah who swelled them quite a bit), Offley were far too strong for James Ashby's men. Offley batted first and their innings of 223-8 was underpinned by 95 from Josh Hook. The darts supremo picked the Lilley bowling apart with unerring accuracy as he threaded the ball through the field. Despite his proficiency with the arrows, you won't often see Hook running a treble. Indeed his darts player physique may have cost him a century as the Baby Viking (non-darts enthusiasts can search online for Andy Fordham) was run out in the final over for 95. While Hook dominated the scorecard, there wer