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Worst In The West

  OSCC, 143-9, lost to Rickmansworth, 201-6, by 58 runs Imagine a day where everything that could go wrong did go wrong, a day that ended with Offley dropping to the bottom of Division Nine West. And there you essentially have the story of Offley's latest defeat. It was a day that began with Offley in eighth place, still hopeful of chasing down Leverstock Green in seventh and avoiding yet another relegation. It somehow ended with them rock bottom of the table, staring up at not just Leverstock Green but also the hitherto hapless Old Albanians and Luton Indians, both of whom recorded upset victories elsewhere. It's hard to know where to start. With Marc Ward losing the toss and being invited to field? With Josh Scott making his way to the ground in the world's slowest uber, driven by a man who obeyed speed limits and traffic laws and missing the first two overs? With the returning Kaiz Ul Haq apparently forgetting his way to the ground and missing the first five overs? With
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Taylormade Triumph

 OSCC, 164-8, beat Eaton Bray, 94 all out, by 70 runs Said Boaty unto Matty "It looks like you're the fatty" "It's weight of runs that matter  And I'm the better batter" And so they staged a duel To see if weight would conquer all Boaty went out first And if not quite at his worst He scratched around a bit And really looked quite shit He played and missed a lot The inside edge was his best shot Then an Offley wicket fell And Matty heard the bell His breasts were seen to jiggle As he marched out to the middle His arse dragging in his wake The result of eating so much cake Off the mark was Taylor swift He gave the run rate a quick lift And while Boaty joined the dots Matty T played all the shots The runs began to flow Though the running was quite slow They spread the field for Taylor He had no fear of failure He smashed the ball for four Then he smashed a couple more But soon was breathing hard Though he'd barely run a yard Then at the other end Boaty


  OSCC, 181-4, beat Old Albanians, 154-9, by 27 runs It might have taken a while but on a day where skipper Marc Ward was absent in a bid to seduce Snow White along with six similarly diminutive accomplices, Offley finally found a way to win a game. Perhaps it was because Old Albanians were even more hopeless than Offley; perhaps because even a blind squirrel sometimes finds an acorn and on this day Dan Goord located the middle of the bat; and perhaps the addition of Ben Southgate, someone who clearly knows what he is doing, combined to lead Offley to their first league victory of the season. For some reason Offley, a team who can at times consider themselves fortunate to play on a needle-strewn, dog-shit littered, pikey-infested council wasteland, found themsleves playing on one of the premier venues in Hertfordshire and raised their game accordingly. They might have found a way to drop eight catches (in fairness only four players shelled a catch but each of them compensated by droppi

The Worst Offley Batting Line-up In History? Maybe. The Worst Offley Batting Month In History? Probably

  One of the great landmarks in cricket is to score 1000 first class runs before the end of May.  Only eight men have reached the milestone (Bradman did it twice) and no one has done it since Graeme Hick in 1988. This season Offley have got off to what might be politely termed a slow start - Stephen Hawking climbing Everest without assistance would have made swifter progress. Seven matches have been played and six defeats have been racked up, including five out of five in the league. Only a victory over the Shillington Spitfires has interrupted the run of losses. Apropos of nothing, Shillington's nickname of the Spitfires is worth taking on board for the next time we rebrand. Offley is named after King Offa, the man who ordered the construction of Offa's Dyke (Google it). Consequently is it not time to jettison the lion logo in favour of a new inclusive 21st century image, the Offley Dykes, complete with a logo of two lipstick lesbians doing what Offley do best? Going down....

On The Cusp Of Greatness

  Jamie Cummins is set to confirm his status as a two-sport superstar this weekend as he seeks to complete the career double of 200 runs and 100 wickets for Offley. A man who has enjoyed tremendous success at Quidditch, Cummins now needs just six more runs and a solitary wicket to achieve the double. Cummins burst on to the scene in 2016 and the fact that he's still plugging away eight years later is a testimony to his staying power. Back then he was a little-used fourth-change trundler as Offley maintained their ascendancy and continued to climb the leagues. Today he is an over-used trundler who takes the new ball as Offley maintain their alarming descent through the leagues. While it could be argued that Jamie's batting average (3.80) barely outstrips his number of famous lookalikes (Harry Potter / Dennis Nielsen / Rose West), he showed great promise in his last outing when he sacrificed the need for quick runs at the end of the innings in favour of deploying his favoured blo

Here We Go Again.....

    OSCC, 126-8, lost to Flamstead, 129-3, by 7 wickets Offley produced one of their best performances of the season - and still lost by seven wickets. Let that sink in for a bit as you consider the depths we have plumbed when batting our allotted overs, only dropping two out of four catches and picking up three wickets is seen as some sort of achievement.  A brief flurry of hope when it seemed as though the opposition might not arrive was eventually extinguised and Offley were asked to bat.  Captain Marc Ward led by example, opening the innings and vowing to play carefully and treat the bowlers with respect. After failing to score from the first seven balls he received, Ward decided it was time to throw the pressure back on the bowlers and unfurled a majestic off drive; unfortunately Ward connected with fresh air and the ball connected with middle stump. Chris Austin  Steve Bexfield joined Richie Barker and proceeded to show none of the form that had brought him a half-century in his

The Hateful Eight.... Plus Bradders

  OSCC, 81 all out, lost to Chipperfield Clarendon, 83-0, by 10 wickets There are a few sports you can attempt with eight.  Rowing. Sevens rugby, complete with a substitute. Something called korfball. Cricket is not one of them. Yet Offley travelled to Chipperfield with eight players.  At one point nine had been scheduled to make the trip but unfortunately Bradley Lyons remembered the night before that the game clashed with his daughter's birthday. While Offley's purpose for playing the game was to avoid the £150 fine that would have been imposed on them by higher authority, their target for the game was to emerge with honour and pride intact and at least one point. Anyone who featured in the Broxbourne Massacre a few years ago when we walked off with absolutely fuck all to show for, our admittedly woeful, efforts will appreciate the importance of that solitary point. On a huge arena with a rutted outfield that conjured up frightening memories of Crawley Green at its worst, sta

The Darkest Day

  OSCC 189-8 beat Bedford 107 all out by 82 runs  And so it came to pass on Sunday September 3rd, 2023, that the curse of Captain Scott was fulfilled as Scott Boatwright's men joined Josh Scott's hapless crew in taking the relegation plunge. After 26 years of cricket as Offley & Stopsley CC, the 2023 vintage have achieved what no one else could, or have indeed really come close to. The Double Dip. Offley headed into the game having lost 15 of their past 17 Beds League games dating back to the end of last season.  Despite including four TCWs (Two Club Wankers) in Ben Wiles, James Barker, Kaiz Ul Haq and Little Man of Many Cubs himself, Rehaan Samdani, Offley failed to stay up despite inflicting a crushing defeat on Bedford, the one team in the division inept enough to finish below us. Kaiz made his highest score for the club, registering his first league 50 and top-scoring with 56. Wiles made 31 and Barker did what Barker does, namely running amok amid the tail like a blood-

A Close Run Thing

  OSCC, 180 all out, nearly fucked it up to Great Gaddesden, 171 all out Umpire Bonnie Tyler Calls Cummins For Another Wide Make no mistake about it, this was almost the biggest fuck up in Offley history, a fuck up that really would have set the tin lid on a season of woe and ineptitude.  Having (for once) posted a decent total despite eight batsmen chipping catches of varying simplicity to fielders, Offley's bowlers reduced Gaddesden to 87-9 before things nearly went to shit in epic style as the last pair put on 84 to take their side to the brink of victory before Jamie Cummins produced a devilish piece of cunning, chicanery and borderline cheating by serving up a straight ball to settle the outcome. After Offley lost the toss and were invited to bat, Cummins had begun the day opening the batting and being dismissed almost immediately for a duck, gently steering a catch to gully. On a day where Offley's batsmen threw the bat to reasonable effect (15 4s and four 6s) before self

Player Profile #27: Bradley Lyons

  One of the bright spots of the 2023 campaign has been the arrival of lower middle order stalwart and perpetually enthusiastic fielder Bradley Lyons.  Bradders - never Bradley and rarely Badly - has enjoyed a mixed start to his Offley career and is yet to taste victory in a league match. Bradders bears an uncanny resemblance to former Offley star Josh Hook, both in terms of appearance, physique and a slightly dubious taste in tattoos. His finest piece of art is of Spiderman, a work that appears to pay homage to a Fathers 4 Justice protestor rather than the original Marvel superhero. His batting is improving like a toddler taking its first steps. You can't but help admire his enthusiasm but know it's only a matter of time before he falls over. Or gets out. After finally getting off the mark, Bradders doubled that with a nifty 2 and this weekend struck his first boundary.  Hurrah! He was stumped next ball. Hurroo. Readers of a certain vintage will remember the good old days befo