The Worst Offley Batting Line-up In History? Maybe. The Worst Offley Batting Month In History? Probably

One of the great landmarks in cricket is to score 1000 first class runs before the end of May.

Only eight men have reached the milestone (Bradman did it twice) and no one has done it since Graeme Hick in 1988.

This season Offley have got off to what might be politely termed a slow start - Stephen Hawking climbing Everest without assistance would have made swifter progress.

Seven matches have been played and six defeats have been racked up, including five out of five in the league.

Only a victory over the Shillington Spitfires has interrupted the run of losses.

Apropos of nothing, Shillington's nickname of the Spitfires is worth taking on board for the next time we rebrand.

Offley is named after King Offa, the man who ordered the construction of Offa's Dyke (Google it).

Consequently is it not time to jettison the lion logo in favour of a new inclusive 21st century image, the Offley Dykes, complete with a logo of two lipstick lesbians doing what Offley do best?

Going down....

Think of the funding opportunities.

Anyway, back to the cricket.

Needless to say no Offley batter has reached 1000 runs before the end of May.

More to the point no one has actually reached 100; James Barker leads the way with 85.

Steve Bexfield is the only man to have scored a half-century.

Rather shockingly in 59 trips to the crease Offley's batters have combined to score just 626 runs off the bat.

Actually that should be 625 runs but Jamie Cummins was awarded a pity run instead of a bye to ensure he finished 1 not out from 9 balls at the end of the innings instead of 0 not out.

As a result of this (although in fairness a risibly named bowling "attack" and a fielding unit that hasn't caught anything since Covid haven't helped much), Offley find themselves rock bottom of the Saracens League and one off the foot of the table in the Bedfordshire League.

It may be early days but if the writing is not to be daubed in the wall in huge letters by the end of June it's probably about time Offley's batters figured out it's not a crime to hit the ball off the square.

Although judging by how many of them have had their stumps rearranged so far, just hitting the sodding thing might be a useful start...

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The People's Champions

"We fight for lost causes because we know that our defeat and dismay may be the preface to our successors' victory." A day out that was confidently expected to end around lunchtime eventually drew to a close in the early evening as heavy underdogs, Offley & Stopsley C.C., otherwise known as the People's Champions, took their leave of Knebworth Park having reached the club's first final since 2008. Unquestionably no one was more surprised at making it through to the final than the team themselves, the semi-final victory prompting a flurry of hastily rearranged plans. Ultimately they were not victorious on the pitch - not exactly a shock as they were up against a side six divisions above them in the Saracens League, a gap that will be confirmed as eight divisions once the tables are finalised on Saturday night. Yet at the end of a torrid season where the club flag has been subjected to shot and shell, it was heartening to know it still fluttered defiantly in the...

iBat; iBowl; iPad

OSCC, 71 all out, got about halfway against Leverstock Green, 155 all out iPad At the captain's request (for a direct line please dial 0-9 for Wardy) I'm not allowed to mention what effect Saturday's result has had on our survival prospects. However, I think I am free to point out this challenging mathematical poser, namely what would happen if you took the points we have accumulated in the Bedfordshire league (depleted by 10 after Sunday's concession) and added them to those we have accumulated in the Saracens League? Answer: we'd still be pretty severely fucked.... Things did not begin well on Saturday. Richie Barker missed out with a nasty toe injury (laughably sustained attempting to bowl seam in the nets) and Danny O'Brien was forced to withdraw on the morning of the match after a tough week at work. Roger Piepenstock, a man who lives within a stone's throw of the ground, although perhaps not if that stone is being thrown by an Offley fielder, subseq...

The Triangle of Triumph

OSCC, 116-6, beat Shillington, 115-9, by four wickets OSCC, 174-6, beat Harpenden, 166 all out, by eight runs OSCC, 245-6, beat Hexton, 152 all out, by 93 runs Having started the season by losing six out of six - and conceding a seventh to boot - Offley kicked the season into life with a three-game sweep of assorted opponents. The week that began with the unfortunate Bus Wanka saga ended with the victory beers overflowing. Captain Roger Piepenstock secured the first win of the season against Shillington, having been elected to the position on the grounds of his patrician bearing and the fact he was the only one with a coin (a golden guinea presumably) to toss up. Manouvering his fielders with a combination of frantic arm-waving and polite requests one that conjured images of a pissed up usher at a garden party, Captain Piepenstock ensured Shillington were restricted to 115-9. Mark Kirkman and Shane Jones were the pick of the bowlers with three wickets apiece but there were also tw...

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