The Worst Offley Batting Line-up In History? Maybe. The Worst Offley Batting Month In History? Probably

One of the great landmarks in cricket is to score 1000 first class runs before the end of May.

Only eight men have reached the milestone (Bradman did it twice) and no one has done it since Graeme Hick in 1988.

This season Offley have got off to what might be politely termed a slow start - Stephen Hawking climbing Everest without assistance would have made swifter progress.

Seven matches have been played and six defeats have been racked up, including five out of five in the league.

Only a victory over the Shillington Spitfires has interrupted the run of losses.

Apropos of nothing, Shillington's nickname of the Spitfires is worth taking on board for the next time we rebrand.

Offley is named after King Offa, the man who ordered the construction of Offa's Dyke (Google it).

Consequently is it not time to jettison the lion logo in favour of a new inclusive 21st century image, the Offley Dykes, complete with a logo of two lipstick lesbians doing what Offley do best?

Going down....

Think of the funding opportunities.

Anyway, back to the cricket.

Needless to say no Offley batter has reached 1000 runs before the end of May.

More to the point no one has actually reached 100; James Barker leads the way with 85.

Steve Bexfield is the only man to have scored a half-century.

Rather shockingly in 59 trips to the crease Offley's batters have combined to score just 626 runs off the bat.

Actually that should be 625 runs but Jamie Cummins was awarded a pity run instead of a bye to ensure he finished 1 not out from 9 balls at the end of the innings instead of 0 not out.

As a result of this (although in fairness a risibly named bowling "attack" and a fielding unit that hasn't caught anything since Covid haven't helped much), Offley find themselves rock bottom of the Saracens League and one off the foot of the table in the Bedfordshire League.

It may be early days but if the writing is not to be daubed in the wall in huge letters by the end of June it's probably about time Offley's batters figured out it's not a crime to hit the ball off the square.

Although judging by how many of them have had their stumps rearranged so far, just hitting the sodding thing might be a useful start...

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Taylormade Triumph

OSCC, 164-8, beat Eaton Bray, 94 all out, by 70 runs Said Boaty unto Matty "It looks like you're the fatty" "It's weight of runs that matter And I'm the better batter" And so they staged a duel To see if weight would conquer all Boaty went out first And if not quite at his worst He scratched around a bit And really looked quite shit He played and missed a lot The inside edge was his best shot Then an Offley wicket fell And Matty heard the bell His breasts were seen to jiggle As he marched out to the middle His arse dragging in his wake The result of eating so much cake Off the mark was Taylor swift He gave the run rate a quick lift And while Boaty joined the dots Matty T played all the shots The runs began to flow Though the running was quite slow They spread the field for Taylor He had no fear of failure He smashed the ball for four Then he smashed a couple more But soon was breathing hard Though he'd barely run a yard Then at the other end Boaty ...

#WardyOut

OSCC, 181-4, beat Old Albanians, 154-9, by 27 runs It might have taken a while but on a day where skipper Marc Ward was absent in a bid to seduce Snow White along with six similarly diminutive accomplices, Offley finally found a way to win a game. Perhaps it was because Old Albanians were even more hopeless than Offley; perhaps because even a blind squirrel sometimes finds an acorn and on this day Dan Goord located the middle of the bat; and perhaps the addition of Ben Southgate, someone who clearly knows what he is doing, combined to lead Offley to their first league victory of the season. For some reason Offley, a team who can at times consider themselves fortunate to play on a needle-strewn, dog-shit littered, pikey-infested council wasteland, found themsleves playing on one of the premier venues in Hertfordshire and raised their game accordingly. They might have found a way to drop eight catches (in fairness only four players shelled a catch but each of them compensated by dr...

The Darkest Day

OSCC 189-8 beat Bedford 107 all out by 82 runs And so it came to pass on Sunday September 3rd, 2023, that the curse of Captain Scott was fulfilled as Scott Boatwright's men joined Josh Scott's hapless crew in taking the relegation plunge. After 26 years of cricket as Offley & Stopsley CC, the 2023 vintage have achieved what no one else could, or have indeed really come close to. The Double Dip. Offley headed into the game having lost 15 of their past 17 Beds League games dating back to the end of last season. Despite including four TCWs (Two Club Wankers) in Ben Wiles, James Barker, Kaiz Ul Haq and Little Man of Many Cubs himself, Rehaan Samdani, Offley failed to stay up despite inflicting a crushing defeat on Bedford, the one team in the division inept enough to finish below us. Kaiz made his highest score for the club, registering his first league 50 and top-scoring with 56. Wiles made 31 and Barker did what Barker does, namely running amok amid the tail like a ...

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