Taylormade Triumph

OSCC, 164-8, beat Eaton Bray, 94 all out, by 70 runs

Said Boaty unto Matty

"It looks like you're the fatty"

"It's weight of runs that matter

And I'm the better batter"

And so they staged a duel

To see if weight would conquer all

Boaty went out first

And if not quite at his worst

He scratched around a bit

And really looked quite shit

He played and missed a lot

The inside edge was his best shot

Then an Offley wicket fell

And Matty heard the bell

His breasts were seen to jiggle

As he marched out to the middle

His arse dragging in his wake

The result of eating so much cake

Off the mark was Taylor swift

He gave the run rate a quick lift

And while Boaty joined the dots

Matty T played all the shots

The runs began to flow

Though the running was quite slow

They spread the field for Taylor

He had no fear of failure

He smashed the ball for four

Then he smashed a couple more

But soon was breathing hard

Though he'd barely run a yard

Then at the other end

Boaty finally joined his friend

And cleared the boundary rope

With a desperate top-edged grope

He played the shot again

But missed and 'twas the end

Boaty had to walk off slowly

Tits and shoulders sagging lowly

However he'd made twenty

And for Boaty that's quite plenty

But he was still in quite a rage

As he left Taylor centre stage

Taylor was the better batter

The polls also said he was the fatter

And he stroked a couple more

Though they didn't go for four

So he had a mighty heave

And was bowled for twenty-three

Matty left the pitch to cheers

Already thinking of the beers

He and Boaty shared a hug

Like they often share a jug

And the less-fat batter had to say

"The fatter batter won the day"

As a man Taylor's top draw

And this day he made top score

And those there yesterday

Will always have to say

Matty set Offley on their way

To hammer Eaton Bray

Comments

The People's Champions

"We fight for lost causes because we know that our defeat and dismay may be the preface to our successors' victory." A day out that was confidently expected to end around lunchtime eventually drew to a close in the early evening as heavy underdogs, Offley & Stopsley C.C., otherwise known as the People's Champions, took their leave of Knebworth Park having reached the club's first final since 2008. Unquestionably no one was more surprised at making it through to the final than the team themselves, the semi-final victory prompting a flurry of hastily rearranged plans. Ultimately they were not victorious on the pitch - not exactly a shock as they were up against a side six divisions above them in the Saracens League, a gap that will be confirmed as eight divisions once the tables are finalised on Saturday night. Yet at the end of a torrid season where the club flag has been subjected to shot and shell, it was heartening to know it still fluttered defiantly in the...

The Triangle of Triumph

OSCC, 116-6, beat Shillington, 115-9, by four wickets OSCC, 174-6, beat Harpenden, 166 all out, by eight runs OSCC, 245-6, beat Hexton, 152 all out, by 93 runs Having started the season by losing six out of six - and conceding a seventh to boot - Offley kicked the season into life with a three-game sweep of assorted opponents. The week that began with the unfortunate Bus Wanka saga ended with the victory beers overflowing. Captain Roger Piepenstock secured the first win of the season against Shillington, having been elected to the position on the grounds of his patrician bearing and the fact he was the only one with a coin (a golden guinea presumably) to toss up. Manouvering his fielders with a combination of frantic arm-waving and polite requests one that conjured images of a pissed up usher at a garden party, Captain Piepenstock ensured Shillington were restricted to 115-9. Mark Kirkman and Shane Jones were the pick of the bowlers with three wickets apiece but there were also tw...

iBat; iBowl; iPad

OSCC, 71 all out, got about halfway against Leverstock Green, 155 all out iPad At the captain's request (for a direct line please dial 0-9 for Wardy) I'm not allowed to mention what effect Saturday's result has had on our survival prospects. However, I think I am free to point out this challenging mathematical poser, namely what would happen if you took the points we have accumulated in the Bedfordshire league (depleted by 10 after Sunday's concession) and added them to those we have accumulated in the Saracens League? Answer: we'd still be pretty severely fucked.... Things did not begin well on Saturday. Richie Barker missed out with a nasty toe injury (laughably sustained attempting to bowl seam in the nets) and Danny O'Brien was forced to withdraw on the morning of the match after a tough week at work. Roger Piepenstock, a man who lives within a stone's throw of the ground, although perhaps not if that stone is being thrown by an Offley fielder, subseq...

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