Slo-Bo

 OSCC, 144-6, lost to the Usual Suspects, 149-6, by 4 wickets

Scott "The Dot" Boatwright

You wait months for a really tedious innings from an Offley opening batsman and then two come along on the same weekend.

Hours after Dead-Bat Barker's epic against St Albans, Scott "The Dot" Boatwright lumbered along slowly in his footsteps as he made 44 from 40 overs.

While Bazball won the day at Headingley, Slo-Bo failed to come up trumps against the Usual Suspects in a typically contentious affair that involved the customary dubious umpiring we've come to expect from this lot.

Offley lost the toss and were invited to bat, Jono Evetts walking out to the middle with Boatwright.

Evetts faced the first ball of the match and then as soon as Scott the Dot got on strike the run rate began to fall.

Cheese has sprouted hair and turned blue quicker than Boatwright scored his runs on Sunday.

Whereas Barker had been able to capitalise on his legendary speed between the wickets on Saturday to scamper the odd single, Slo-Bo could only wheeze his way between the wickets for the occasional run as he racked up the dots in impressive fashion.

At the other end Evetts played some pleasant shots and Offley reached 71-0 at the halfway point.

Upon the resumption Evetts continued to single-handedly keep the scoreboard ticking over and struck a number of boundaries, no mean feat considering he was carrying the Dotmaster General on his back.

He reached his first half-century of the season before falling shortly afterwards for 56.

That dismissal brought Jamie Cummins' prize protege Chas Rylands to the middle, much to the delight of the fielding side who regaled him with a chorus of "Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit" in recognition of his batting prowess.

Or lack thereof.

A professional rugby player in the offseason, and allegedly snooker loopy to boot, Rylands fancies himself to be a two-sport superstar. 

Unfortunately we're not sure which other sport is his strong suit because his sporting prowess does not seem to extend to cricket.

Chas duly bagged his second duck in as many innings for the club as his stumps were splattered.

Considering Chas's cricketing shortcomings have one again been exposed, maybe Jamie can bring his mate Dave next week.

Chas Rylands; the only time you'll see him with 50 in a cricketing context

(Incidentally the author would like to note that he has nothing but the highest respect for Mr Rylands and having just seen the size of him is unlikely to be featuring in the same team anytime soon just in case he reads this.)

Meanwhile Scott the Dot continued to show the bowlers the maker's name, treating pies, long hops and half volleys with the greatest respect as he engaged in his charity blockathon to raise money for a species close to his heart, the endangered hornet.

If The Dot could pass up a pint and a pie with the same conviction with which he passes up an easy chance to hit a boundary, he'd weigh nine stone.

This was Slo-Bo in its purest form, foregoing the opportunity to score runs on a surface that has been variously described as a road, a fantastic wicket and a batsman's paradise.

At the other end a succession of other batters were forced to throw caution to the wind in an attempt to push Offley up towards a defendable total.

Josh Scott, 2023's current leading run scorer, and Peter Gilkes, the Human Scythe, both perished to catches while Mark Tattersall was bowled.

Curiously Matt Taylor-Swift was pushed down the order to number 10 ostensibly because he doesn't score his runs quickly enough. 

Considering Taylor-Swift has a singular approach to batting - namely to sound the charge and swing from the hip - and was coming off a rapid 26 not out at Gaddesden the previous week this seemed something of an oversight.

Taylor-Swift reacts to the batting order

Standing defiant on 36 from 38 overs, the Dot decided the time had come to press the accelerator and hit out. 

This reckless approach yielded eight quick runs (context is everything) before he paid the inevitable price for abandoning his safety first policy and was trapped LBW for 44.

The architect behind Slo-Bo walked (slowly) back to the pavilion to (slow) handclaps from his colleagues before (slowly) taking off his pads and (rapidly) devouring his tea.

Offley closed on 144-6, thereby achieving the rare distinction of neither side being bowled out on the weekend for the first time since about 2017.

Cummins got Offley off to the perfect start as he struck two quick blows to leave the Usual Suspects reeling on 1 for 2.

While at times he may appear to bare a remarkable resemblance to an uncoordinated baby camel (he'll have the hump about that) Jamie tears into the crease at such speed that he needs to leave the field after every over to wipe the dead flies from his glasses.

On this day he set the tone by demolishing the stumps (it was a throwback to the days when he used to bowl to Chas in the park and routinely cleaned him up) of the Usual Suspects opener and then claimed a second wicket as he restored his lead at the top of the bowling charts.

Unfortunately that represented the highwater mark for Offley.

Darren Lunney conceded just 11 runs from eight overs including five maidens and Evetts picked up three wickets while the returning Gary Law, back after a decade or so on the sidelines, was unlucky not to take a wicket in his eight overs.

Needless to say the real story was the Usual Suspects carrying on in their usually suspicious way which meant not giving the top scorer out when he smashed the cover off the ball and declined to walk (as is his right) while his mate at the other end gave him not out on the grounds he'd already given one decision (think that might be slightly more open to interpretation).

Knowing that lot he probably meant he'd put his finger up when Cummins knocked the stumps over.

Not for the first time in 2023 Offley's spirits deflated in the face of dubious officiating and the Usual Suspects duly eased over the line with four wickets and as many overs to spare. 

Incidentally the top scorer was finally out for 49 which was a shame.

Honestly.

Yet on the day where Woakes and Wood went wild at Headingley, the result really did not matter.

After a series of low scores and batting collapses this was the weekend where Offley discovered the delights of the block and the prod and witnessed the birth of a movement, the birth of Slo-Bo.

The club that brought you No-Shot McDermott and Stone Cold Chris Austin can now bask in the glorious achievements of Scott the Dot, founding father of Slo-Bo.