BlockBall

 OSCC, 116-5, lost to St Albans, 117-2, by 8 wickets

Rarely has an innings by an Offley batsman provoked such a rapid outpouring of excitement, amusement, pleasure and sheer delight as Richie Barker's unbeaten 43 against St Albans.

It was a batting performance that brought Morse Code to life with a load of dots and the occasional dash for a single.

For as long as cricket is played at Offley people will say "I was there."

And for every one who can say that there will be at least three who say, "Thank fuck I wasn't."

On a pitch reminiscent of a heavily mined quagmire, Barker used all his skill to chancelessly bat through all 35 overs of the innings to provide his team with a route to a defendable total, one they ultimately failed narrowly to achieve.

After a delayed start due to thunder, lightning and torrential rain, Josh Scott inevitably lost a crucial toss and Offley found themselves obliged to bat on a damp, sticky surface where the ball stubbornly refused to come on to the bat.

The rain continued to fall even as the game got under way, the leader of the opposition rushing umpires and batsmen out to the middle with the twisted delight of someone who enjoys conducting illegal experiments on animals.

In another lifetime this man would have thrived as a Japanese prisoner of war camp commander.

Or the teacher that everyone hopes desperately to avoid because he's a big cunt.

Marc Ward blazed a couple of early boundaries before a delivery stopped in the pitch, did a little dance, made a little love and persuaded him to lob it back to the bowler to leave Offley 9-1.

That brought together Barker and Dan Goord for what was statistically one of the longest (20 overs) partnerships of the season.

It produced 51 runs.

At one end Barker produced a series of text book blocks, determined defensive shots and never-say-die prods interspersed with the occasional plinked single.

At the other end Goord went through his repertoire of wild slashed and cuts, egded cuts, missed cuts, missed late cuts, fresh air cuts and nowhere near it cuts.

Goord is rumoured to be considering a career in financial administration due to his potential at cutting a budget and slashing a payroll.

He eventually played a silly shot at lobbed it up in the air.

Goord's final return of 2 under par (18 from 20 overs) would have been exceptional on the golf course but unfortunately we were playing cricket.

His final scoring rate in terms of runs per over was actually STB (Slower Than Barker).

Luke Munt provided the innings with some impetus as he batted like a man who has an urgent appointment with a sticky bun.

Munt hit his first ball for 4, struck a couple of others and landed a mighty 6 before falling in similar fashion to Goord as Offley slipped to 92 for 3.

Scott and Shafiq tried and died for the cause, both bowled trying to hack the ball towards the control tower at Luton Airport as the innings closed on 116-5.

Barker was left unbeaten on 43, a splendidly defiant knock that variously conjured images of Paul Collingwood against Australia, Michael Caine against the Zulus and Gerard Butler in 300.

That seemed about right because if felt as if he'd faced 300 balls for his runs.

Offley needed early wickets but needless to say didn't get them as the sun came out, the pitch dried out, the outfield sped up and batting became a much easier proposition.

The fact Jamie Cummins got things under way with a legside full toss that was hammered to the boundary set the tone.

Lunney made the breakthrough when he found the outside edge and Goord took a surprisingly accomplished catch standing up.

Lunney thought he had struck again next ball with a convincing LBW shout but the umpire - no prizes for guessing who it was - said no.

Lunney had another strong appeal turned down, a verdict which led to a minor exchange and had the umpire bleating for Captain Scott like a small, fat whimpering child crying because he's lost his mother.

Ironically for an officious little busybody who doubtless knows the laws of cricket inside out and probably has a wank over Wisden every Thursday, this gentleman insisted on umpiring in his playing whites rather than a coat so he looked like an extra fielder.

Unfortunately Lunney's line and length was thrown off by his mild altercation with authority and his next three deliveries were all smashed for 4 - 10% of the target knocked off in three deliveries.

Nonetheless Offley fielded and bowled well, sticking to their task with little fortune as the visitors closed in on their target.

The highlight of the innings came when opener Aman ramped Shafiq's penultimate ball for 2 runs.

As the bowler trotted in for his final delivery the fielder at backward point suggested he couldn't do it again.

Duly tempted the batsman executed a much better shot that seemed set to loop over the head of short fine leg before Wayne Cutts sailed through the air like Lohengrin's Swan to take a stunning catch, a strong contender for the champagne moment of the season.

Offley might have had a third wicket but Cummins dropped a regulation chance in the deep off Captain Scott, much to the evident displeasure of the skipper who looked quite cross.

Jamie will be giving coaching lessons in catching on Wednesday night, passing on his skill and expert tutelage to the next generation of Offley cricketers.

Should be interesting.

So we lost.

Again.

Darren made a new friend.

Again.

Things didn't quite go according to plan.

Again.

That being said we go (again) next week in search of that elusive first victory against a team who have only won twice all year (one of those was against us) at Baldock.

During a campaign where the captains have kept faith with players for no scoring, it remains to be seen whether Barker retains his place for slow scoring......