Bollocks

 OSCC, 145-6, lost to Baldock, 146-6, by 4 wickets 

Green green grass, blue blue skies, I hope we win a game again before we all fucking die.

Offley slipped to defeat at Baldock on Saturday, a defeat that essentially gaurantees a third consecutive relegation.

This latest fiasco reeked of self-sabotage as six catches went down, the captain was given out LBW by his own umpire and the club's all-time leading wicket taker picked a fine time to produce the worst spell of his career.

Useless ginger cunt.

Despite all that we really should have won and even after hopes of victory went by the board nearly salvaged a tie before losing off the penultimate ball.

It's not the despair. I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand. 

For the second week in a row Offley lost a crucial toss on a damp green surface under leaden skies and were duly asked to bat in the middle of a hurricane.

Hurrah.

Offley were without skipper Josh Scott, currently sidelined with a back injury sustained while helping landlord Matty Taylor carry the latest takeaway order to the kitchen. 

At a club were athleticism is frowned upon and waistlines routinely double triple quadruple batting averages it's nonetheless worth noting that Matty and Josh are currently starting to resemble a couple of Ewoks.

Marc Ward and Richie Barker opened the batting and made a decent start. Barker took 14 off the second over of the innings and Ward played his customary two glorious shots before being undone by the best ball of the day that beat his defensive prod to clip the top of off stump.

This was not the first time the bails had been disturbed. Gusting winds routinely caused the bails to fall off which led to Umpire Lunney indulging in a long-running discussion with the opposition captain about playing without bails.

This subsequently developed into a typically spicy feud and ensured the genial geordie would once again win the opposition fine of the day.

Acting captain Dan Goord joined Barker and the pair added 74 in a second-wicket stand either side of a delay for rain that reduced the contest to 38 overs per side.

Both batters played some impressive shots and ran surprisingly well between the wickets considering Goord's lethal reputation for barbecuing his partners and Barker's paralympian speed over 22 yards.

The quick single to point that brought up Barker's half-century was a case in point, albeit a scrambled run that left him with a pulled hamstring.

The score was 112-1 with seven overs to go and Offley were poised for lift off.

At that point Double Agent Denton intervened.

In fairness to Denton he had umpired for 31 overs and might have been overcome by heatstroke or a sudden gust of wind could have caused his arm to move because when Goord smashed the ball into his pad he had no hesitation in responding to a desperately optimistic appeal by raising his finger.

Sent on his way for 39, an anguished Goord dragged himself slowly back to the pavilion while the umpire belatedly realising the enormity of his error did suggest the opposition could withdraw their appeal if they so wished....

By the end of the over Barker had edged an away-swinger and it was up to the middle order to push on while Adam Ward, last of the recognised batsmen at number four, martialed the tail.

Bradley Lyons came to the party, unfurling a splendid shot and doubling his previous highest score for the club before he was bowled.

For 2.

Matty Taylor looked like he might be the man to take Offley past the 150 mark as he smashed a rapid 9 before perishing in familiarly agricultural fashion.

Charles Chaz Dave Rylands opened his account for the club at the third attempt before falling shortly afterwards for a well made single.

A late flurry from Ward pushed the total up to 145-6, a score that was worth more than the total suggested on a sluggish track and slow outfield, albeit one that had begun to speed up over the course of the day.

Any punters taking an interest in proceedings at the halfway point would have weighed the odds, decided Offley were favourites and made their wagers accordingly.

And duly done their dough.

Offley's bowlers were flummoxed by the conditions. Was it better to struggle up a slope bearing a resemblance to the north face of the Eiger or better to bowl into the eye of the hurricane?

Adam Ward charged in up the hill and almost cleaned up first slip with the opening delivery of a two-over spell before giving way to the more experienced Denton.

Battle-hardened MIG Jamie Cummins fought his way through the wind, using his experience of a dozen terrace battles to punch the elements into submission as he delivered an excellent six-over burst, the only disappointment being his failure to take a wicket.

Had he been able to hold on to a fairly regulation return catch he would have made the breakthrough.

As it was Double Agent Denton balanced the books for his dismissal of Goord by bursting through the defences of a child who had just smeared him for a truly huge six.

Lunney accounted for the other opener courtesy of an excellent running catch from Adam Ward and Offley began to turn the screw.

At drinks Baldock needed 95 to win from 19 overs and Goord decided the time had come to introduce Barker into the attack.

An interesting two-over spell leaked 23 runs and produced three dropped catches, all off the same batsman who would top-score for the hosts.

Firstly Lunney got finger tips to a rocket at midwicket, a drop that was only really a drop in the context of fines meetings but these are the days we live in.

Next Barker dived to his left and nearly pulled off a remarkable one-handed catch. 

To see him fly through the air, apparently defying the laws of gravity (laws that obviously don't apply to fielding off his own bowling) was to see the Honey Monster bounce off a trampoline and soar majestically skywards.

Anyway he dropped it.

Next ball Lunney allowed one to burst through his hands, a drop that means he's now dropped three in a row off the bowler but who's counting.....

Incidentally this was the only drop of the day where the dropper did not end up in a crumpled heap on the ground.

A measure of control was restored by Shafiq at one end and Adam Ward at the other. 

Shuffling Shaf bowled eight overs off the reel, picking up two wickets to reduce Baldock to 97-4 and also shelling the fifth catch of the day as he failed to hold on in his follow through.

Considering we dropped all three return catches it's fair to wonder if our bowlers could hold on to their own balls, let alone the round red thing fizzing back at them.

The fiery Ward produced a swift spell before ruining it somewhat with the most expensive over of the day, conceding 14 runs from his last over.

The crucial fifth wicket would not come and a partnership of 48 looked to have settled the outcome as miscued shots fell agonisingly out of reach, fielders left the ball to each other (Cummins and Rylands belied their mate status by not saying a word to each other as the ball landed between them) and Taylor, a man who fielded brilliantly throughout picked the worst time to drop the sixth catch of the day as he settled under a skyer at mid on, composed himself and then flailed at it haplessly, ball and fielder ending up on the ground.

Baldock needed two to win with two overs left and the game was all but done.

Cummins refused to give up, plouging up the hill, knees pumping like a runaway spastic to allow just one run and also to pick up a wicket with his final delivery when Lunney held onto a softly spliced shot at extra cover.

Lunney began the final over with the scores level and Offley dreaming wildly of a tie. 

A tie is supposed to be like kissing your sister. 

We've reached the point where we'd now regard a tie in the same way a young Jim Corr would have contemplated a night of steamy passion with his three sisters.

Lunney's first ball was smashed away towards a distant boundary where Cummins helpfully made the hardest catch of the day look easy.

Three dot balls followed as the tension increased.

Was this the day for a miracle?

No.

The penultimate ball was paddled behind square to rubberstamp a defeat that leaves Offley 90 points adrift of safety, with an unlikely but still mathematical chance that we could be relegated by the end of July.

Sometimes I really hate this fucking game....