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How To Bat Like Blind Cunts....

 OSCC 90 all out (Bexfield 29*) lost to Harpenden Dolphins 138 all out (Barker 3-23) by 48 runs


Well that went well....

On the day the club's new flag fluttered proudly over the pavilion for the first time, it ended up at half mast thanks to a batting performance that seemed gormless at the time and doesn't get any better upon reflection.

Captain Dan's dreams of mounting a promotion push look scuppered after a batting display that fluctuated between the dreadful and the embarrassing. 

Only a last-wicket partnership between old timers Steve Bexfield and Steve Denton - the duo using every one of their combined 112 years of experience - averted total humiliation as Offley ballsed up the run chase in some style.

Things began poorly when Offley were reduced to 10 men shortly before the start after a late withdrawal. However, Covid victim Peter Gilkes heroically stepped into the breach, rising from his bar stool to open the bowling like Lazarus reborn after Captain Dan won the toss and elected to bowl.

After some initial problems locating the cut bit - and some initial delays locating the ball in the trees as a consequence of failing to locate the cut bit - Gilkes struck twice to stall Harpenden's momentum.

At the other end Steve Denton had one of his less effective days (at one point he conceded more in a single over than he conceded in his entire spell last week) but still picked up a wicket courtesy of one of four catches for wicketkeeper Goord. 

Yea, we were surprised as well, especially as two of them were very good takes.

Marmaduke Godfrey-Evans (I don't know what his first name was but let's face it with a surname like Godfrey-Evans the M probably didn't stand for Marlon. Montgomery, maybe? Mountbatten? Wevs. Harpo, innit?) threatened to carry the game away from Offley with a rapid 27 before he was cunningly deceived by a Richie Barker full toss and expertly held on the deep midwicket boundary by Darren Lunney.

Barker claimed three wickets and Ali Shah picked up two as the slow bowlers dragged back the run rate.

Lunney picked up a wicket and might have had two had the umpire been more sympathetic to his appeals before Preme Lala capped an interesting spell that featured pies, wides and jaffas with the final wicket as Harpenden were dismissed for 138 with nine overs to spare.

Offley needed a solid start and Goord and Lunney negotiated the opening seven deliveries with no difficulties before Lunney lobbed a full toss to square leg.

Hassan played a couple of glorious shots before receiving his customary unplayable delivery to make it 21-2. 

Gilkes promoted to number four on the grounds that he needed to bat before he seized up offered a fine impression of a rusty gate, swinging exuberantly in the breeze and failing to make contact with anything until he finally located the ball with his bat and popped up a catch to mid off.

Roger Piepenstock demonstrated that batting was not impossible with a fluent innings of 7 as he played a couple of gorgeous cross-court backhands before being adjudged lbw.

Kaiz Ul-Haq unfurled a majestic straight drive before unfurling something rather less impressive that ended up in the hands of backward point.

Captain Dan's dogged vigil of 10 from 17 overs ended with an edge behind before Barker drove one to short cover.

Ali came and went in quick time as he played the worst shot of the day - not an easy achievement - and managed to navigate a slow wide full toss into the hands of short fine leg. On returning to the pavilion he placed the blame for his dismissal on his captain for batting him too low, thereby encouraging him to think like a tail ender.

At this point the batsmen were harangued by the spectating Chairman Tattersall for throwing their wickets away with a series of soft shots. I won't say the Moral Compass was entirely wrong with this analysis even if his ability to claim the moral high ground was open to question.

Let he who has never mowed a pie to cover cast the first stone.....

Preme marked his first trip to the crease for Offley with a duck - one he attributed to Umpire Haq's rapid trigger finger, as much as his inability to lay bat on ball.

At that point Offley were 56-9 and threatening to sink without trace. Denton defiantly resolved to go down fighting and promptly swept one into his mouth. 

A distraught Bexfield rushed down to usher his friend away from the crease to ensure that no blood was spilled on his cherished wicket.

After Denton composed himself - and Bexfield reassured himself that there were no bloodstains on a length - the two elderly gentlemen dug in to add 34 runs, taking advantage of a couple of dropped catches and Umpire Haq's suddenly reluctant trigger finger, before Denton was bowled off an inside edge.

Bexfield finished unbeaten on 29 and has now not been dismissed since 2019 (two innings).

All in all it was not a very good batting display with the only contribution even half as impressive as Bexfield's was Extras with 15.

Afterwards a distraught Captain Dan lamented an opportunity that got away as Offley missed the chance to go third and are instead sixth in the table ahead of next week's game with runaway leaders Southgate Adelaide.

Captain Dan's disappointing day was complete when he lost his fines sheet after the game. Fortunately although the game may have been lost forever, a new fines sheet can be obtained for a very reasonable price before the next fines meeting.

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