Ahoy there, mateys!
Captain Dan here!
I'm here to bring you this month's installment of tips, suggestions and hacks - and I don't just mean those slices I carve to point!
This month I'm going to offer my thoughts on toss strategy.
Anyone can lose the toss.
Boaty is a notorious tosser and invariably walks back to the pavilion having lost the toss to be informed he only has one job.
Obviously that one job isn't to score runs!
However, it takes someone with real talent to consistently win the toss and consistently make the wrong decision when it comes to choosing whether to bat or bowl.
This year I've won the toss five times out of six.
That means we've had the ability to dictate the course of the match five times.
And we're 17 points adrift at the bottom!
Even though we have no real batting depth or quality (in six matches we've recorded a solitary half-century), I've decided it's best that we should always bowl first, thereby allowing the opposition every opportunity to pile on the runs against our popgun bowling "attack" and enjoy their day out.
Then we can combine our lack of batting talent with scoreboard pressure to put a nice shiny ribbon on the gift of victory.
After all, just because we're not having much fun at the moment, why should that ruin our opponents' afternoon?
My policy worked surprisingly well in the first game when I chose to bowl on a boggy wicket at Hatch End.
We actually won this game which clearly showed us to be a team who is best suited to chasing no matter what the situation.
Since then I've won the toss on an Offley road against Harpenden (lost by 48), a Kings Langley highway (lost by 88) and a Shenley flat track (lost by 138).
Those three run chases were so successful that in defeat we managed to accumulate the grand total of zero batting points!
When it comes to chasing we are the United Kingdom of Eurovision, a majestic doughnut of doom.
I hear that Bovingdon is a fantastic place to play cricket and if I can keep winning the toss and bowling, we are on pace to lose there by 188 runs in a couple of weeks!
In fairness when I won the toss on the flattest pitch anyone had ever seen at Offley against Ware, even I decided it might be a good idea to bat.
It was such a good deck that Matty Taylor recorded his career best of 45 not out as we piled up our highest score of the season, a hefty 166-4..... and lost by 8 wickets with 21.2 overs to spare....
All in all the stats aren't great.
But I appeal to any would-be mutineers who are dissatisfied with my tossing to consider one thing before they invite me to walk the plank.
The question you have to ask yourselves is are we a mere 17 points adrift at the bottom because I am the Dan With A Plan and have heroically kept us within touching distance of safety despite the lack of resources at my disposal (God bless rain and plague for the four games we've had cancelled), or are we 17 points adrift because the Dan Plan goes down the pan upon first contact with the opposition?
Don't all rush to answer at once.
I'll be back next month with another installment of DG Tips.