Podgy Practices

 

Offley's finest have returned to the nets after the winter break and sources suggest that it is a newly bulked-up side that will be trying to squeeze through the dressing room door and down the (hopefully reinforced) pavilion steps in 2022.

While weight of runs has rarely been an issue over recent seasons (unlike the wait for runs), it appears that the squad have been piling on the pounds over the winter with one bearded biffer reportedly supplementing his income by making promotional appearances in the guise of former strong man Geoff Capes, a man who in his prime weighed in at 375 pounds. 

Although he is a little too plump to be utterly convincing as a 375-pound specimen, our man is reportedly bringing home the bacon (and the pork chops, gammon steaks and sausages) with this new career move.

He's still doing a little bit of electrical work on the side as well.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, Steve Bexfield pulled no punches when he revealed that there were plenty of podgy people in attendance at last week's net session. 

Apparently the podgesters ranged far and wide (some are now considered to be extremely wide) and included players at both ends of the age spectrum, all capable of damaging the scales. 

Bexfield may be that rarest of Offley cricketers - one whose approach to buying clothing is not dictated to by the number of X's on the label - but he may have had a point when he felt unable to point at any individual in particular because they kept getting in each other's way.

It's a good thing that social distancing is a thing of the past as one or two of Offley's finest have their own orbit and gravitational pull.

While this has led to speculation that Offley might be fielding the widest slip cordon in history - a cordon not necessarily capable of holding on to an edge but one eminently capable of blocking out the sun - concerns have been raised about the unit's mobility in the field. 

Speculation is already rife that the traditional Milkfloats of Fire race will be revived at some point this year, a sprint / leisurely amble around the square to identify the club's slowest player.

With funding earmarked for new nets, it appears unlikely that a defibrillator machine will be available any time soon. However, ambitious plans are afoot to raise money for some buckets that can be used to keep some of the more portly members cool in the field.

The system can be seen being demonstrated here by a random Offley fielder at the drinks break.

Meanwhile it has also been suggested that Jacamo, purveyor of quality clothing for the larger gentleman, may be considering launching a range of official OSCC sports and leisurewear.