A Poem About Watford

OSCC, 155 all out, lost to Watford, 156-3, by 7 wickets

Offley went to Watford, the home of Elton John

We hoped the game would finish before the lights came on

Instead the game took ages and we finished in the dark

Smashed by a fucking rabble in a fucking shitty park

Offley chose to bat first but it didn't really work

As Hooky chased a wide one like a silly little berk

Boaty played his shots but alas he didn't last long

Then Danny headed back after an attempted leave went all wrong

Tatts lobbed one to cover and Roger lost his stumps

And when Ben Wiles missed one we were all down in the dumps

Richie edged to slip off the face of the bat

Not a clever shot by the handsome ginger twat

The end looked swift to come as the top order was cack

But no one had accounted for the portly Kaiz Ul Haq

Kaiz played his shots, Kaiz swung his blade and runs began to flow

And Kaiz in his all glory put on an epic show

He's famous for his milkshakes and he's famous for his fries

(And on days when he keeps wicket he's famous for his byes)

He'd nearly reached his 50, the landmark was in sight

But then he played a shot which, alas, was rather shite

The tail did it's best but alas the end was nigh

Especially with Bexfield having problems with his thigh

The scoreboard told the story, another tragic tale

For all apart from Kaiz it was another epic fail

Although we didn't score much the innings took forever

I guess because the oppo captain wasn't bright or wasn't clever

Every shot and every run prompted another field switch

And every bowler who went for four moaned like a mimsy bitch

Our hopes lay with our bowlers, could they sparkle in the dark?

Alas Ben Wiles and Denton got smashed all round the park

Wiles did his best but simply couldn't find the edge

And as for poor old Stevie, he got launched into a hedge

Danny dropped a hard chance and then Hooky shelled a pie

He couldn't really see it as it fell from the night sky

Tatts finally made the breakthrough when he won an LB call

Although he later admitted that it would have hit fuck all

We should have had another but the batsman didn't walk

He claimed he didn't touch it which was simply lying talk

Tatts picked up another and Kaiz picked up a third

But it couldn't really hide that we'd laid a massive turd

So that was our trip to Watford, one that finished in the dark

A game where we got gubbed in that fucking shitty park

And if you think we're going next year then my answer's pretty stark

Cos you can shove it up your arse and say "Fuck that for a lark!"

Comments

Taylormade Triumph

OSCC, 164-8, beat Eaton Bray, 94 all out, by 70 runs Said Boaty unto Matty "It looks like you're the fatty" "It's weight of runs that matter And I'm the better batter" And so they staged a duel To see if weight would conquer all Boaty went out first And if not quite at his worst He scratched around a bit And really looked quite shit He played and missed a lot The inside edge was his best shot Then an Offley wicket fell And Matty heard the bell His breasts were seen to jiggle As he marched out to the middle His arse dragging in his wake The result of eating so much cake Off the mark was Taylor swift He gave the run rate a quick lift And while Boaty joined the dots Matty T played all the shots The runs began to flow Though the running was quite slow They spread the field for Taylor He had no fear of failure He smashed the ball for four Then he smashed a couple more But soon was breathing hard Though he'd barely run a yard Then at the other end Boaty ...

#WardyOut

OSCC, 181-4, beat Old Albanians, 154-9, by 27 runs It might have taken a while but on a day where skipper Marc Ward was absent in a bid to seduce Snow White along with six similarly diminutive accomplices, Offley finally found a way to win a game. Perhaps it was because Old Albanians were even more hopeless than Offley; perhaps because even a blind squirrel sometimes finds an acorn and on this day Dan Goord located the middle of the bat; and perhaps the addition of Ben Southgate, someone who clearly knows what he is doing, combined to lead Offley to their first league victory of the season. For some reason Offley, a team who can at times consider themselves fortunate to play on a needle-strewn, dog-shit littered, pikey-infested council wasteland, found themsleves playing on one of the premier venues in Hertfordshire and raised their game accordingly. They might have found a way to drop eight catches (in fairness only four players shelled a catch but each of them compensated by dr...

The Darkest Day

OSCC 189-8 beat Bedford 107 all out by 82 runs And so it came to pass on Sunday September 3rd, 2023, that the curse of Captain Scott was fulfilled as Scott Boatwright's men joined Josh Scott's hapless crew in taking the relegation plunge. After 26 years of cricket as Offley & Stopsley CC, the 2023 vintage have achieved what no one else could, or have indeed really come close to. The Double Dip. Offley headed into the game having lost 15 of their past 17 Beds League games dating back to the end of last season. Despite including four TCWs (Two Club Wankers) in Ben Wiles, James Barker, Kaiz Ul Haq and Little Man of Many Cubs himself, Rehaan Samdani, Offley failed to stay up despite inflicting a crushing defeat on Bedford, the one team in the division inept enough to finish below us. Kaiz made his highest score for the club, registering his first league 50 and top-scoring with 56. Wiles made 31 and Barker did what Barker does, namely running amok amid the tail like a ...

Search This Blog