The Ins and Outs (and run outs) of Hertfordshire's premier village cricket club, the one and only Offley & Stopsley CC.
All observations here are totally unofficial, not related to the club and are not intended to be helpful to anyone in any way.
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Interesting update regarding social media and the ECB's latest dictate from their ivory tower....
"Recently, there have been an increasing number of social media posts that contravene the ECB’s new General Conduct Regulations. These GCR’s prohibit the posting of derogatory, defamatory, or discriminatory comments by any participant, (player, umpire, spectator, club member, club etc.), about any other participant on any social media platform or Club website.
"Clubs and participants should be aware the penalties for such posts range from player bans/suspensions to point deductions, with such transgressions posted to the League’s Disciplinary Update report for all to see.
"Apart from the above penalties, please think how you would feel if someone posted about you, what you post about someone else."
This represents a new and exciting development, an entreaty to take a deep breath before you tweet and not say anything remotely controversial about suffering nine lbw decisions at the hands of the oppostion umpire, risking life and limb on a minefield, braving gangrene and swine flu in the changing rooms or being thrown out of the bar at 8:00pm because the gimp they left behind wants to catch up with the other gimps at the gimp night.
At first glance, having finished rock bottom last year (even had we not been deducted 20 points for something or other we would still have been bringing up the rear) a points deduction would have been something of an empty threat.
However, history shows that when we managed to finish on the relegation zone one year and fall foul of petty officialdom the points deduction was imposed at the start of the following year.
The moral of that particular lesson being, Never trust one of Keeley's mates to keep his mouth shut when he's sitting next to a league official.
To be fair some of those who did play for the Two Lions in 2022 seemed to be under the misapprehension they had been banned from scoring runs / taking wickets / catching the ball / making any sort of positive contribution whatsoever.
Yet this entreaty to play nicely and speak nicely of others means that there should not be any negative reference made anywhere to Offley's finest such as..........
Luke Munt, Watford Cunt
That fat ginger cunt who struts round like he owns the place
The noisy fella with the big ears who opens the bowling (previous vintage)
The whiny little fella with the shit tattoos who keeps wicket
The frightfully posh bald chap
The bloke who looks Bobby Charlton banging the cymbals
Except here of course.
Here there will be plenty of abuse for all that deserve it.
The cricket season may be getting into full swing and England may have a new captain, coach and whatever it is that Rob Key is called but there's no escaping the fact that football violence is hogging the headlines and the back pages. These are dark days for the people's game. Unfortunately for OSCC there is an overlap. Because one of our own is both capable of terrorising opposition batsmen (when he actually manages to land the ball on the strip at any rate) and causing carnage, confusion and chaos among opposition football fans. That elderly youth is of course none other than Jamie Cummins. The link below illustrates just what devastation Cummins is capable of when the red mist descends. Offley & Stopsley Cricket Club (@OSCricketClub) / Twitter On the cricket field Jamie Lad is a force of nature, chugging into the crease like an enthusiastic young librarian pushing a heavy trolley of books to spray the ball optimistically towards the batsman's stumps. Or, occasiona
OSCC, 149-5, lost to The Spiritualists, 144-9, by 1 wicket (No, it's not a misprint, the book was added up three times and came to 144 but there you go) Many years ago Offley & Stopsley CC (and indeed going further back Stopsley CC) endured a contentious rivalry with a team who seemed determined to stretch the laws of the game further than Peter Gilkes' waistband. This predilection for the dark arts was somewhat at odds with their supposed spirituality and over the years Offley fell victim to a flooded square, an attempt to overturn a hit wicket dismissal on the grounds that the batsman had trodden on a pebble and it had spun back on to the stumps and myriad other incidents. On one occasion a Stopsley player wrecked his ankle, breaking bone and tearing ligaments and had to be rushed to hospital causing the game to be abandoned. Rather than offering up a prayer for the fallen, the Spiritualists got the arse because the match had not resumed. On another occasion, when one f
His name is C. J. Mac and his bowling's pretty mean But his real passion's as a rap machine He's honey with the ladies so they keep their fannies clean Cos every girl wants to be Mrs Courtney McIlveen C. J. McIlveen splits his time between dropping tunes in the studio and dropping catches in the outfield and is the only man ever to open the bowling for Offley while wearing a du rag. This accessory is complemented by a youthful mustache that pays tribute to two of the aspiring rapper's musical influences, Freddie Mercury and the Village People. C. J. thinks he looks like Tupac. Everyone else thinks he looks like a fortune teller who has misplaced his crystal ball. McIlveen invariably misses the first part of the season through injury (who knows, maybe every Easter he drops his crystal ball and smashes it and cuts his foot to ribbons) before turning up in August to bolster the latest Offley survival bid. McIlveen is the youngest bowler in Offley history to take 100 wic