100 Not Out

 OSCC, 78 all out, lost to Langford 286-8, by 208 runs

The 100th post on this blog deserved something special. 

Possibly not this special.....

Considering that Offley's reputation has been battered more than Philip Schofield's in recent weeks, it was going to take a really determined effort for things to get worse.

After all this was a team that had lost every single league game it had actually played in 2023.

Going back to last year we've actually lost 14 of 15 games in the Saracens League (I'm ignoring the two we conceded and the one that was rained out).

Heading into this one it was seven straight defeats on the spin in the Bedfordshire League, five of which could have been charitably said to have been crushing, including a pair of 10-wicket reversals and the small matter of the 177-run defeat at Warseley when Jono Evetts made 37 and the other 10 batsmen cobbled together 21.

Yet Sunday was going to be different, not least because Scott Boatwright was leading the strongest team of the season into action at Langford, a team that was confidently expected to register the first significant victory of the season.

The only notable absentees were darts-spectating enthusiast Josh Hook and trainee football hooligan Jamie Cummins. 

Furthermore, The Great Samdani was back for about his 17th spell with the club after his latest bout of boomeranging around the Berkshire League in search of a steady gig.

And it was different.

It was unfathomably worse.

By the end Offley's reputation was roughly equivalent to that of Philip Schofield's after being photographed at Michael Barrymore's pool party while performing karaoke alongside Gary Glitter and Rolf Harris while Jimmy Savile mixed the tunes and Rose West poured the drinks.

With no idea that his team was walking head on into a buzzsaw, Boatwright had one job and needless to say bungled that when he called wrong at the toss.

It's perhaps best not to dwell on an afternoon when someone called Foghorn Leghorn, or something similar, scored 127 from 101 balls and Benn with two n's hammered an unbeaten 64 from 42.

However, it would be remiss not to make mention of the 17 wides, specifically the 11 contributed by Peter Gilkes in his five-over spell.

Gilkes has taken over the mantle of m'aitre d from Ian Laidler, routinely making it his job to see that the batsmen are nicely settled and comfortable in the opening overs.

Similarly it would be wrong not to highlight Mark Tattersall's reassurringly expensive figures of 6-0-68-0.

James Barker did a good job of living up to his namesake's reputation by quietly picking up three wickets during the closing overs, none of them belonging to a batsman who'd actually caused much damage.

At the halfway stage Langford had posted 286-6 and the game looked as good as over.

One man who didn't think that was Umpire Fucknuckle.

Umpire Fucknuckle was worried by Evett's heroics at Warseley and clearly felt the game was in the balance and that Langford would require his intervention if they were to clinch a narrow win.

Consequently Fucknuckle's finger was raised as soon as Evetts was hit on the pad flap by a ball that was rising all the time. 

Evetts made 2.

Shortly afterwards the Datchworth Dynamo, Ben Wiles, was also on his way LBW for 7. 

Wiles' league average thereby dropped to 8.33. He still doesn't have one in non-league matches (159 runs in three innings).

Dan Goord does as Dan Goord does which means he played a couple of nice shots, picked up a couple of boundaries and then got out.

Barker managed 6 before Josh Scott went for 2.

Tattersall did his best to balance the books as he top-scored with 28 but his stumps were rearranged with him still 38 runs in the red.

The tail disintegrated in familiar fashion. 

Boatwright failed to reach double figures for the fourth time in five innings, The Great Samdani marked his latest return by scoring as many runs as he had taken wickets (1), Gilkes went first ball as he registered a club high third duck of the season before Hugh Barker was the last man out.

That completed a solid weekend effort where 13 players were dismissed in single figures and the top-score (on both days) was 28.

At the other end number nine Gary Davison, once a byword for attacking strokeplay, remained unbeaten with a defiant three not out from 15 balls. 

Only Goord and Tattersall faced more deliveries than Davison. 

The final margin of 208 runs as Offley trailed in third in a two-horse race was pretty spectacular even by our own standards.

Yet a few miles away from where Offley were licking their wounds, it was possible to see a reminder of why this club survives, even it's not currently flourishing.

For on another cricket pitch not far from where our flag proudly flies, an exceedingly large man stood at slip vaping contentedly and showing no interest at all in pursuing the ball or the fate of his side, except wondering if his corpulent frame could survive another over of walking in two steps down the slope and whether he could subsequently slope off without paying.

We might suck right now - indeed I think it would be very difficult for anyone to argue to the contrary.

And we might not recognise a victory if we tripped over it in the dark.

But we're still here.

Even if we haven't won a sodding league game for more than 300 days, a time when BoJo was Prime Minister, Nathan Jones was managing Luton and Elizabeth II was still on the throne.

We really are special........