Another Dodgy Decision, Another Defeat

 OSCC, 143 all out, lost to Who Gives A Fuck, 146-4 by six wickets

Adam Ward bowled Offley to defeat on Saturday.

After striking in his first over, Ward condemned his side to defeat in his second over by shattering the stumps of an immobile number three, whose feet appeared to be embedded in concrete.

The only thing that moved was his bowels as he shat himself as the ball seared past stationery bat and pads.

This meant the mean-spirited, miserable excuse for a batsman could take on the role of mean-spirited, miserable excuse for an umpire with dire consequences.

It goes without saying that Offley did not exactly help themselves as they slipped to yet another defeat but this was the turning point.

Along with the other turning point when the key batsman was run out by two yards and the mean-spirited, miserable excuse for an umpire kept his hand in his pocket.

Josh Scott won the toss and abandoned his early intention to bowl after strong persuading from all-time Offley leading run scorer Steve Bexfield. 

Bexfield was a bit like the tobacco lobby with his discussions - keen to convince everyone it was a good idea but not necessarily keen to partake himself.

Subsequently Marc Ward opened alongside Richie Barker, the former fresh off a half-century and the latter making his first appearance of the season.

The pair put on 45 for the first wicket, Ward driving nicely and Barker showing glimpses of the mercurial touch of old.

Then it all went to shit.

Ward steered a loopy full toss to cover, Barker edged behind after producing what would be the day's top score of 28 and t'other Ward was cleaned up to make it 51-3.

(There's a punchline here somewhere about three Fantas to go.....)

Luke Munt and Captain Scott dug in until drinks to repair the damage and Offley had reached 85-3 when Munt produced some sort of bastard offspring of a slog sweep and was bowled middle stump hacking across the line.

Shortly afterwards the innings was in tatters.

After once again producing another solid innings, Scott was caught in the slip for 24, an undeniably good catch from A Bellend.

In the next over Bexfield, already dropped at point, whipped one off his toes and softly deposited in the hands of midwicket.

Roger Piepenstock made a spirited 2 (he subsequently lamented his failure to pick the length by berating himself as an "Idiot child!") before Scott Boatwright set to work repairing the innings.

Walking to the middle with four runs from three innings in 2023, Boatwright was not necessarily the man to salvage the situation. 

However, he played some impressive shots to drag Offley up past 130. Sadly his knock ended on 22 when he produced a classic Floaty Boaty, which is to say he lazily miscued a drive and lobbed it up in the air for point to take the catch.

A frenetic Darren Lunney tried to rally the tail but his efforts failed to save the day. 

Steve Denton was pinned LBW without scoring as he looked to work a straight ball through midwicket (admittedly he might have got some dubious advice from the umpire before attempting that) before Lunney was last man out, caught at mid on after he failed to execute a pull shot.

143 all out was not quite what Captain Scott had been hoping for but his bowlers vowed to give their all for the cause.

The Red Rocket's early burst made it 5-2 and Offley subsequently had strong shouts for a stumping turned down when Boatwright moved like a genetic experiment to snare a legside delivery from Denton - a young gazelle with the hands of David Blaine - to whip off the bails but the umpire was unmoved.

Denton struck a third blow and after a flurry of runs Lunney held a return catch to send a fourth batter back to the hutch.

Lunney was involved in the game's defining moment.

A Bellend called for a sharp single to cover, a call that the well-set opening batsman in the 40s should probably have turned down.

Lunney picked the ball up cleanly and threw down the stumps with the opener well short of his ground.

Dead-eye Darren had done it again.

The momentum was with Offley and the opposition were five down with their key batter swearing angrily as he walked back to the pavilion. 

(Considering how he'd lost his shit earlier when his mate turned down a single, the swearing and rage would have been spectacular.)

Sadly we didn't get to see it.

Because the mean spirited, miserable excuse for a human being said not out, his hand as firmly trapped in concrete as his feet had been when soiling himself in fear in the face of the Red Rocket.

I know it doesn't matter and one hates to go all Mourinho about this but seriously.....

There's not a lot else to say. 

The reprieved man went on to score an unbeaten 70-odd and shared in an unbroken partnership with A Bellend.

Offley looked set to claim another wicket when A Bellend miscued a pull (in fairness he miscued and mistimed every shot he played) and gently directed the ball in the direction of Munt at square leg.

Munt had taken up position there moments earlier, moving sure-handed Wayne Cutts to midwicket, predicting he was the man for the job.

If the job was waving at the ball like a startled ewok swatting a wasp, then he was indeed the right man.

As the ball floated on the breeze like a beach ball gently returning to earth, the human space hopper lumbered into position and contrived to drop it, evidently deciding it was the one thing he couldn't swallow.

Fortunately the crestfallen bowler accepted his fate stoically and retired to the outfield where he began to think of nice things to write about the incident.

Love you really, bud.

That was pretty much all she wrote.

So as the sound of the Fields of Athenry drifted across the outfield from the most Irish corner of Hertfordshire, Offley were left to reflect on another defeat that leaves them adrift at the bottom of the table.

We're not the worst team in the division - that appears to be Hoddesdon who we should be playing next week. But they can't get a ground so we get 10 points each instead of a decent shot at 30.

It never rains.....