Can We Play You Every Week!?!?!

 Jono Evetts, 41, beat Stony Stratford, 35 (though they claimed it was 37), by 6 runs

On a day where a bird shat all over Wayne Cutts's pristine white shirt, Offley's took a huge dump all over the title ambitions of their opponents Stony Stratford.

Offley's bulk of biltong, Jono Evetts, set the stage for a sensational victory against Stony in a contest that not only threw the form book out of the window but also set it on fire and then pissed all over the smouldering ashes.

Offley had not won a league game in more than 300 days while Stony had apparently not lost for three years, apparently after an exhaustive series of matches against the Sunshine Bus Second XI, Lady Zia Werner III's and the Northamptonshire Steelbacks.

The visitors won the toss and, after inspecting the type of lethal surface that Princess Diana once did her best to outlaw, elected to bowl after their captain narrowly escaped having his leg blown off by a rogue landmine.

Adam Ward plundered a couple of early boundaries before Offley hit the first bump in the road.

Kaiz Ul-Haq, fresh off his maiden 50 for the club at the 68th attempt on Friday night, duly bagged the 21st duck of his career.

Offley's chubby-cheeked cherub failed to build on his breakthrough knock and lobbed a simple catch.

Moments later Roger Piepenstock overbalanced like the Titanic in its death throes and was stumped for the second of the day's 11 ducks.

There would also be two 0 not outs on a day when bowlers held the upper hand.

Ward was soon on his way for 12 before Evetts and Gary Davison shared a critical stand of 58 for the fourth wicket, lifting Offley from 17-3 to 75.

Evetts, born and raised on the High Veldt of South Africa, combined with the freshly titanium-hipped Davison, in a partnership between the Demonic Protonic (I don't know what it means either but it rhymes) and the Bionic Chronic to lift Offley into a matchwinning position. 

Evetts made a stunning 41 - finding the boundary for the first time ever while his other half was watching - and Davison overcame a vicious blow on the elbow, which could have left him with a really nasty bruise, to make a stubborn 18.

Evetts was superb as he hammered nine boundaries across the arid outfield, conjuring images of a younger, follicly-challenged Jaques Kallis.

Evetts celebrates his first boundary in front of his other half

The partnership was finally broken when Evetts decided it was too easy and there was no need to play a shot to a straight ball. 

The subsequently rearranegd furniture suggested this was a slight misjudgement.

John Davis was the next man up. 

Davis had turned up dressed as the Man from Del Monte, resplendent in white linen, and the sort of hat that was once fashionable in the 1960s and continues to be favoured by ice cream sellers.

Unfortunately when it came to getting off the mark the Man from Del Monte said "No" after he was trapped LBW. 

That leaves Davis with 2 runs from 4 innings in 2023.

Skipper Ben Wiles - who had apparently been banned from tossing the coin on the strength of his Rolf Harris beard - marched out to the crease determined to improve his Beds League average of 8.33. 

Unfortunately moments later he was heading back to the pavilion with a Beds League average of 6.25.

Davison's demise meant Offley had lost four wickets for six runs as they slumped to 81-7.

A 33-run stand for the eighth wicket ensued. 

At one end the chivalrous and petrified James Barker found himself unable to play any sort of attacking stroke for fear of being dismissed by a young girl (again).

At the other end notorious mysogynist Mark Tattersall wasted no opportunity to heed the Prodigy's advice to "Smack My Bitch Up" and cart the aforementioned young lady all over the shop.

Unfortunately having reached 114-7, the last three wickets fell without any addition as Tattersall (23), Barker (9) and Jamie Cummins all fell without adding to the score.

The Great Samdani was left unbeaten on 0 after Cummins accounted for the fith duck of the innings. 

The visitors did not make a great start to their innings.

It subsequently fell away in the middle and then totally went to shit in the closing stages as they were bundled out inside 15 overs.

The Great Samdani made the early breakthrough with his notorious "Boomerang Ball".

This is a delivery that looks as if it will turn but in the end comes straight back to the stumps - just like every time it looks like the Great Samdani is going to leave for a fresh challenge, he comes straight back to us.

Shortly afterwards it was 0-2 after Kaiz took advantage of the sort of call Andrew Tate would have been embarrassed by to run out a damsel in distress.

The Great Samdani won an LBW decison to make it 8-3 before the visitors constructed their only partnership of note.

Stony, evidently missing the services of former Somerset star Andrew Hildreth, pushed the total up to 27, punishing the efforts of the unfortunate Cummins before the Great Samdani picked up his third victim.

The Great Samdani continued to work his magic like the lovechild of Zayne Malik and Harry Potter as Stony capitualted from 27-4 to 30-8.

Stony Stratford's Scorcerer-Slaughterer

With Barker finding instant success after replacing Cummins (0 with the bat, 0 with the ball, £5 on the fines list), Malik-Potter ushered the visitors to crushing defeat.

Barker finished with 3 for 6 but it was the Great Samdani who sealed the victory, finishing with the stunning figures of 7.4-3-11-6.

A slight difference of opinion at the end of the contest as to whether or not mysogynistic constitued a racist term (it doesn't) briefly threatened to cast a shadow over proceedings but ultimately it could do nothing to take the gloss off an amazing victory.

The day ended - rather early actually - with Stony slipping to third in the table and Offley surging towards the sunlit uplands of midtable obscurity.

A proper challenge awaits next week with a trip to table-topping Milton Keynes Warriors where a victory will likely result in the first faint murmurings of "Boaty Out!" resounding more clearly around the Offley dressing room.

Incidentally we can't play them every week but the return match at Stony is on August 6th.

So if anyone doesn't fancy facing what is likely to be an extremely pissed off dinosaur, best start getting the excuses in early....