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 OSCC, 40 all out, lost to Old Warden, 41-1, by 9 wickets

Somehow it's only appropriate that on the 147th anniversary of George Armstrong Custer's unhappy day out at the Little Bighorn, Offley & Stopsley produced the most spectacularly shite batting display in their history.

No one who has been paying attention for the past two seasons can genuinely be surprised by a record low score.

Since the start of the 2022 campaign we had failed to reach 100 a dozen times and produced scores of 52, 54 (twice), 57, 58, 65, 69, 70, 73, 78, 86 and 98.

Therefore today's catastrophic implosion from 31-1 to 40 all out has been on the cards for some time, even if such a spectacular disintegration will be remembered as a clusterfuck of epic proportions for as long as cricket is played at Offley.

On a scorching hot day Scott Boatwright won the toss and elected to bat first on the same surface that had seen Stony Stratford succumb to defeat two weeks ago.

It was the sort of day in unforgiving 30 degree heat where the mantra of win the toss, win the match seemed certain to apply with the opposition pleading for three drinks breaks before they even ventured on to the pitch.

And, in fairness, Offley began well.

In a game slated to last 80 overs, they had an extremely positive first 25 minutes.

Despite the early loss of Adam Ward for 8 (I do actually type this each time - it's not just a copy and paste job), Dan Goord and Josh Scott put on 21 for the second wicket to take the score up to 31-1 before Scott was bowled for 8.

Goord was soon on his way back to the hutch after steering a short wide shit ball into the hands of cover with a typically shit shot.

Goord made 16, also known as 40% of the runs.

Danny O'Brien was the next to go as he was bowled without scoring to leave Offley tottering on 32-4.

Boatwright and Gary Davison mounted a determined rescue operation as they shared a dogged partnership of six runs before Boatwright fell for a valiant single to make it 38-5.

The next four wickets went down without any addition to the score.

Davison was caught off what appeared to be a no ball. 

Unfortunately Umpires Ward and Scott both left the decision to their counterpart so instead of an outstetched arm Davison was on his way.

That brought Ben Wiles to the crease, dragging a Beds League average of 5.80 to the middle like a ball and chain around his ankle.

Two balls later he was dragging it back with a new Beds League average of 4.83 after playing down the wrong line.

The over turned into a triple wicket maiden as Peter Gilkes was bowled second ball, thereby completing the ignominy of the weekend pair following his two-ball duck against Pinner.

With the scoreboard reading 38-8 James Barker decided to launch a counterattack. 

This involved trying to mow a shooter over midwicket to leave the board reading 38-9.

Thus it was left to Jamie Cummins and young Gallop to try and help Offley avoid the lowest score in the club's history.

Cummins made a spirited 2 before he edged to slip as Offley were dismissed for 40, the last nine wickets falling for nine runs in eight overs of carnage.

That left Old Warden to chase 41 to win at a rate of 1.025 per over.

Goord took an excellent catch off Ward at short cover but - spoiler alert - it made fuck all difference as Old Warden limped over the line with about 186 deliveries to spare, not to mention nine wickets.

Unsurprisingly we picked up a grand total of nil points for that performance, rightly so considering we were shitter than the standard British Eurovision entry.

May as well list the rolecall of the illustrious fallen with their contributions to the cause.

A. Ward 8

D. Goord 16

J. Scott 8

S. Boatwright 1

D. O'Brien 0

G. Davison 5

J. Barker 0

B. Wiles 0

P. Gilkes 0

J. Cummins 2

H. Gallop 0*

For once Extras didn't even begin to help hold the fort as they failed to contribute a single to the total.

So there we go.

The lowest total from OSCC in their history dating back to 1998.

And yet as someone once said, if you can say it's the worst yet you can also say it's not yet the worst.

He must have been a lot of fun to be around.