The Joy Of Six

 OSCC, 138 all out, lost to Chorleywood, 139-6, by four wickets

Offley maintained their perfect start to the season by losing for the sixth time in six outings at Chorleywood.

Marc Ward extended his record as captain to 0-13. It might be argued that 13 is an unlucky number but in all honesty his other 12 games in charge haven't exactly been a raging success.

Ward hasn't even won the toss yet this year.

In many ways this was a typical Offley performance.

Ward played another wanker's special (a lone hand) at the top of the order as he top-scored with 66 while the other 10 batters contributed 60 between them.

Jamie Cummins crammed more dots into an innings than smugglers cramming illegal immigrants into a small dinghy.

Richie Barker had another one of his special little diva moments and announced his retirement at tea.

And, just when it seemed the game might prove a dramatic twist, Offley encountered a matchwinner in the opposition ranks they could do nothing about.

Ward lost the toss for the third time in 2025 and Offley were invited to bat first on the paedo's paradise - how else can you describe a venue where the pavilion has no running water and you have to walk through a children's playground to use a portaloo?

Ward and Cummins opened the innings and both were soon into their stride.

In Ward's case this meant unfurling trademark drives and slashes whereas Cummins was doing his best to keep the shine on the ball with a series of blocks and leaves.

Ward likes to roll the dice while Cummins prefers to impersonate one with all its dots.

The opening stand was finally broken when Cummins, not for the first time, was presented with a delivery he could have hit anywhere and opted to chip it back to the bowler.

In fairness Jamie now has 98 runs for the season, more than anyone but Ward and Dan Goord so we shouldn't really take the piss too much.

And yet.....

That brought blue-shoed debutant Will Inchibald to the crease, a man who quickly showed his qualities as an independent thinker by declining to take a guard.

Will subsequently showed he could fit in perfectly at Offley by playing all round a straight one.

Few batters are as prone to a soft dismissal as Scott Boatwright and he produced another gem by lobbing a loopy delivery iuto the hands of the only fielder within about 80 yards on the off side.

Ward fell for an impressive 66, his third half-century of the season, after walking across his stumps and missing a straight one but Josh Scott gave the innings some impetus with a breezy 20.

Debutant Shubhankar vecame the first batter in Offley history to see their maiden innings end with a failed reverse sweep after making 13 and Mo weighed in with a breezy 11.

Barker was bowled attempting some sort of flamingo shot (the flamingo in this case was blind) and Roger Piepenstock trudged back despondently as the last four batters contributed two runs between them, the innings ending when Shayne Jones launched a violent hack towards Watford and offered the simplest return catch since Cummins set the collapse in motion little more than an hour earlier.

A final total of 138 looked to be about 40 short of a competitive score and there were plenty of glum faces in the visitors' ranks at the interval, lamenting soft dismissals and Cummins' conscientious objections to punishing long hops (for all his talk the Gammon Cannon is softer on bowlers than the Labour Government are on immigration).

All of which faded into the background as Offley's Evita announced it was all over for him and that this would be his last game.

Needing quick wickets to haul themselves back into contention, Offley made the breakthrough when Syed found the edge and Boatwright took the catch. Unfortunately the batsman declined to walk and the umpire declined to raise his finger.

Moments later Syed produced another edge and the new slimline Boatwright dived full length to his right with a sublime piece of athleticism which would have been a wonderful catch.

Unfortunately while Boaty has lost a few kilos he still has the same hands and couldn't hold on, succedding only in diverting the balls into the hands of Jones at slip where he completed the drop.

In a way it's a shame the fines system has been binned as that single delivery would have been worth a couple of poppadoms.

Boatwright has now held on to every edge this year where the umpire has not upheld the appeal (two) and dropped every other opportunity to come his way (three).

The persevering Syed finally got his reward when Inchibald moved smartly to his left at mid off and took a tumbling catch, the sort of which is rarely seen by an Offley fielder.

Please come again, Will.

That was the only success Offley enjoyed in the opening 20 overs before trudging off despondently for their bring your own drinks break, the only other opportunity coming when Cummins found the edge and Boatwright was unable to hold on standing up to the stumps. 

By the end of the over Cummins had been smashed out of the attack, conceding three boundaries, all of which seemed to travel a prodigious distance and hopefully demonstrated to Jamie that a long hop is designed to be punished.

Barker was introduced into the attack for a farewell spell and surprised everyone, not least himself, with a double-wicket maiden courtesy of a Piepenstock catch and a batter allowing a full toss to hit him on the toe.

Jones came on at the other end and the runs dried up, Chorleywood evidently helpless and petrified in the face of the SAS - Slow and Slower. 

Wickets tumbled as Boatwright took two excellent stumpings to give Barker two more victims before Jones lured the dangerous Maasch into a wild shot that went up a long way before narrowly eluding Syed at long off.

Barker (7-2-13-4) nearly accounted for Maasch with a one-handed return catch but had to settle for diverting it on to the stumps to run out the non-striker but that would be the last miracle as Chorleywood stumbled over the line before gratefully cracking open their celebratory drinks (hosts only; it being a case of No Bogs, No Beers for visitors).

The result leaves Offley in a familiar place - one spot off the bottom ahead of next week's trip to Harpenden where the omens are positive.

For one thing, Captain Catastrophe will be in Prague.