Pooch Fucking

OSCC, 62 all out, lost to Jonno's Old Mates, 63-3, by 7 wickets

After a particularly woeful performance German manager Franz Beckenbauer once said he could tie all of his players up in a sack and hit them with a stick and whoever got hit hardest would desrve it.

Which pretty much sums up Offley's latest display of synchronised pooch fucking as a game scheduled to last 80 overs was done and dusted with 48.2 overs remaining.

There have been plenty of inept Offley performances in the club's history but this one was pretty fucking special as a team that looked strong on proved to be about as resilient as a virgin's virtue in the back of Kyle Walker's car.

Offley started with high hopes.

Imagine heading off on a night out wearing a new designer shirt, expensive after shave and making a good impression with an attractive woman in a club.

Fast forward a few hours (or in this case about 30 overs) and imagine waking up in bed as the little spoon with a toothless fat bird snuggling up against you and craning your neck over your shoulder to discover that the source of the pain in your arse is a 14-inch strap on.

Offley lost the toss and the Fabulous Barker Boys blasted off with a rapid opening stand of 23 before skipper JB miscued an extravagant drive and chipped a simple catch to mid on.

RB, dropped off consecutive balls, went on to top score with 13 before he played a shot that could best be described as "fucking shite" and lobbed a simple catch to a fat man waddling in from square leg.

Ian Peterson may claim to have moves like Jagger after hanging out with the Rolling Stones front man at his former club but he was out LBW for the second time this weekend as he shuffled in front of all three and missed a straight one, hobbling off with a toe that had turned purple before he made it to the sanctuary of the pavilion.

Adam Ward came and went for a single before Kaiz Ul-Haq marked his first appearance of the season by walking across his stumps and attempting to flick the ball through midwicket like a young Viv Richards.

Unfortunately his wristy flick was more reminiscent of one of Cliff Richard's little waves and he departed LBW for 12 to leave Offley on 54-5.

Hope remained while Ben Wiles remained at the crease.

Wiles walked out to the middle averaging 218 for the season and produced a Jamie Cummins type innings of 11 from 42 balls before chipping a catch to short mid off to leave Offley 60-6.

That dismissal brought an end to the third-highest stand of the day, a heroic partnership of 6 (Fucking 6!!!) between Wiles and debutant Harry Keen.

A few, desperate moments later and Offley were all out for 62.

Keen attempted to whip a yorker through the leg side and had his stumps rearranged having made a plucky 5.

Jamie Cummins unwisely responded to the opposition's chirp of, "Here come the bowlers" by boldly declaring, "Let's see how well you bowl then!" and promptly edged his third delivery to the keeper without scoring, a particularly painful dismissal considering his grandparents had come all the way from Toddington to see him in action.

Shane Jones attempted to take down the International Space Station with an extravagant heave and injured himself in the attempt as he was cleaned up second ball for 0 before Taranveer went for 2 as the last five wickets fell for just two runs, Pip Honey Doyle left high and dry amidst the wreckage, unbeaten on 0.

Honey Doyle - the sort of name Ian Fleming could only have imagined for a Bond Girl - was left shaken but not stirred as he walked off with his wicket and pride intact.

Three of Offley's batsmen had reached double figures - making it five out of 20 on the weekend - and overall the 22 batsmen combined to score 150 runs in the (spoiler alert!) two defeats.

Nets are on Tuesday night. They're not mandatory but attendance is definitely encouraged after this weekend's clusterfuck.

Considering the opposition were only chasing 63 it was a bit much that they were cheating within three balls of the start as the opener padded up to Wiles only for the umpire to turn it down on the interesting grounds that it had pitched outside off stump.

Wiles bounced back to pick up two wickets while Pat Fat Cummins claimed his first league wicket of the season by bouncing out the batsman and Peterson survived being run over by Honey Doyle to hold on to the catch.

Nevertheless the defeat was confirmed inside 10 overs as Offley completed a rather woeful weekend by losing three out of three to put an end to the five-game winning streak in emphatic fashion.

There was still time for the opposition to inquire as to whether we fancied a 20 over game as they'd beaten us so quickly.

For anyone wondering, the Urdu for "Fuck Off" is "Chalay Jao".

Who says this blog isn't educational....