R Don Stiffs Offley

 OSCC, 133-4, lost to Flamstead, 136-5, by five wickets

Less than twenty-four hours after Scott Boatwright came within a single blow of a maiden century and Offley's fielders dissolved in the rain by dropping eight catches out of ten, the sun set on another season in the semi-finals of the Hertfordshire Village Trophy.

A team bearing little resemblance to the one that had qualified for the last four, one that had been ripped apart by anniversaries, weddings and holidays, produced a spirited performance with a lineup held together by children's prayers and angels' kisses, relying on the presence of the Great Samdani to add a little stardust to proceedings.

Following a delayed start due to heavy overnight rain, Ben Wiles inevitably lost the toss and Offley were asked to bat first on a green pitch tinged with green.

Richie Barker and Dan Goord opened the batting, reprising the 2024 final where they shared an epic stand of 1 and were both back in the hutch within two overs.

After an opening over where Barker failed to lay bat on ball, a failure that in fairness owed as much to the ball being hurled down the leg side as batsman oversight, the splendidly hungover Goord put the first run on the board.

Experienced Dan watchers will know that the drunker he is, the better he tends to bat. 

Unfotunately sobriety is his kryptonite and as the alcohol begins to sweat itself from his system, so the magic wears off.

Barker, presumably goofy on the fumes after a mid-pitch conversation, got off the mark with a hacked six over square leg as the Offley innings sparked into life.

The pair put on 29 before Barker top-edged a pull and went for 17 bringing Wiles to the middle, the stage set for a bit of Dandemonium and Bentalness.

A stand of 68 ensued, Wiles patiently playing himself in and Goord going through the gears as he hit peak hangover with a flurry of boundaries before crashing slowly back to earth as the booze wore off.

Offley were looking good to post a total of around 150 (far more than the Great Samdani proclaimed was going to be necessary) when R Don made his mark on proceedings, parrying a fierce drive from Wiles and hurling himself forward like a harpooned panda to take the catch at the second attempt.

The captain dragged himself from the middle having made 21 from 20 balls.

Shaun Baines struck 12 from eight balls before being stumped and Kaiz Ul-Haq finished unbeaten on 11.

At the other end Goord reached his first 50 of the season before being bowled by the last ball of the innings, R Don finishing with 2-26.

Goord finished with 56 from 60 balls, a stat that means he scored 42% of the runs from 50% of the balls.

Seven boundaries from his first 31 deliveries and none from the last 29 confirms that nothing derails an innings quite like Dan Goord sobering up.

Offley closed on 133-4 but just 42 runs from the final seven overs suggested they might have left a few out there.

Wiles struck with his second ball to give Offley hope, Josh Scott makingn no mistake at square leg, before Kaiz suffered a taste of what lay in store for the slow bowlers.

Kaiz nearly struck with his first ball, a dreadful full toss that looped over Sayed at square leg and fell to earth via the fielder's hand.

That brought Perera on strike and the next three balls went for four before Kaiz submitted his offering for Who Can Get Smashed The Furthest by being launched high over the boundary ropes for six. 

Chastened, he withdrew from the attack, his work done for the day, with figures of 1-0-20-0.

Perera continued on his merry way, rushing to 30 from 14 balls, before launching another one to deep midwicket only to see Kaiz chug round the boundary and crocodile an outstanding catch to give Syed his first wicket.

Syed struck twice more in his next over, Wiles taking a well judged catch at low to the ground at mid off before Syed rearranged the stumps, and suddenly Offley found themselves on top, Flamstead rocking on 43-4 in the sixth over.

After eight overs Flamstead were 57-4 and the game was in the balance.

After nine overs Flamstead were 76-4, the game less in the balance, after the Hitchin Hercules, James Barker, was hammered out of the attack, his entry for Who Can Get Smashed The Furthest disappearing into the trees in the general direction of long on.

Electing (rather hopefully as it turned out) to save Syed (3-0-15-3) for six balls at the death, Wiles now played his ace, summoning the Great Samdani to work his magic.

Over the years the Great Samdani has been many things for Offley, fire starter, rabble rouser, mercurial genius and conjurer of 145 wickets.

If he was any more of a magician he would field in a top hat.

Unfortunately on this day the Great Samdani was pure batting viagra for R Don who simply stood there and stiffed the bowler to the boundary. 

The magician conceded three boundaries (and 16 runs in total) in his first over.

The second only went for nine but it did feature the Great Samdani's entry for Who Can Get Smashed The Furthest, a moon shot that sailed over the longest boundary on the ground at deep midwicket.

Wiles called Scott into the attack and soon wished he hadn't bothered as he went for 17, including a particularly filfthy drag down and strong contender for Who Can Get Smashed The Furthest that R Don deposited over square leg.

At that juncture Offley's spin quartet had combined figures of 6-0-87-0.

The last time so many hits were pounded out around Knebworth, Oasis were on stage.

The Great Samdani, nursing unsightly figures of 2-0-25-0, conjured up his customary strong finish as he applied a sheen of respectability to proceedings by allowing just three from his third over, using his experience and guile to sprinkle this particular turd with glitter.

That allowed Wiles to hook Scott out of the attack and turn the ball over to John "Johnny in the Slot" Davis, the man who had kicked off Offley's march to finals day by conceding 23 in the opening over at Kimpton.

Davis had complained then that Wiles should have known he was a death bowler and proved his point here by bamboozling the opposition with a succession of slow, loopy full tosses that mesmerised the batsmen and ended with Scott taking his second catch of the day.

Davis finished with figures of 1-0-2-1.

The Great Samdani did his best to earn Davis another over but unfortunately his glamorous assistant JB failed to stop another hard hit shot on the boundary and Flamstead wrapped up the win with five wickets and 25 deliveries to spare, R Don unbeaten with 49 from 28 balls.

That's pretty much it.

There's a week left in the season so we may yet have one more day of summer but on the day Offley secured relegation from the Beds League, watching Hexton open up a 50-point chasm and disappear over the horizon faster than Usain Bolt in a race with Luke Munt, it felt like the end of another chapter.

There's always next year.

Incidentally the winner of Who Can Get Smashed The Furthest was the Great Samdani; he arrived home in Reading to find the ball waiting for him.

Love you, Ree-Ree 😘