Taylor Swift To The Rescue As Offley Edge Home

 OSCC, 128-9, beat Kempston Hammers, 127 all out, by one wicket

24 hours after Syed Shah ran through London Colney like a dodgy kebab (kudos to the Kempston keeper for providing that one), Offley made it two from two in the Beds League as they staggered over the line at Kempston like Josh Scott finishing the London Marathon - coughing and spluttering but triumphant.

Ben Wiles starred with bat and ball, Peter Gilkes carved the bowling to all parts with a match-turning innings, Matty Taylor dazzled in the field and Offley took the pitch with ten men before anyone realised they didn't have a wicketkeeper because Dan Goord hadn't arrived.

The day began with Taylor answering a last-minute S.O.S. call. 

Matty would be one of the first names on the sheet if he wanted to be but he prefers to play hard to get, a bit like a fat girl coquettishly pretending to turn down a third cheeseburger, sheltering behind the facade that he doesn't like cricket. 

Like 10CC said, Matty doesn't like cricket; he loves it. 

Unfortunately he loves golf more.

However, sometimes with the right persuasion, just like the fat girl, he can't say no that third cheeseburger.

Despite Taylor answering the call, Offley still took the field with ten men after winning the toss because the always dependably-late Goord had failed to materialise.

Even allowing for the fact that the skinnier-than-a-super-model Dan has taken over from Darren Lunney as the Offley player most likely to be cast in the leading role in the musical adaptation of Tenko, it's slightly disconcerting to think that no one had noticed he wasn't there.

Dan's absence prompted a last-minute change of plans with Wiles borrowing gloves from the opposition and keeping without pads instead of opening the bowling.

Only one thing to say to that really....

With Wiles filling in for Goord, Richie Barker took the new ball with Dave Tree as Kempston made an unpleasantly brisk start.

Tree cunningly conceded three boundaries from his opening over, the positive being that the time it took to retrieve the ball allowed Goord to make it on to the pitch after missing just two overs.

Tree made the breakthrough courtesy of a well-judged catch at mid on from Taylor who had been throwing himself into the firing line with great courage and enthusiasm.

This was the first catch taken by an Offley fielder in the Beds League after all five went down in the season opener.

In fairness Offley toiled away impressively on a rutted outfield. 

Gilkes employed his patented Cossack dancer-technique to stamp on a succession of well hit balls, driving them into the turf when they had seemed destined for the boundary, Barker mistimed a dive and actually stopped one while Mo Chaudry took a header into the dirt and dust after tripping over a particularly jagged rut as he chased a ball at mid on.

It was the finest attempt of swimming on land since Jamie Cummins' effort at Harlington last year.

Kempston were still making progress before Wiles removed the dangerous Exley for 43 as he embarked on a spell of 4-22 that swung the game in Offley's favour.

Rehaan Samdani picked up a couple of wickets, one a fizzing return catch that dropped into his hands like a punctured beach ball.

Barker also picked up a couple, claiming the prized scalp of 13-year old with a ball that came out wrong and ragged to clip the top of off stump.

The hosts were eventually dismissed for 127, a total far less than had seemed likely at one point but one that would nonetheless take some chasing on a surface that was keeping low and offering a degree of variable bounce.

Steve Hoar, a centurion on his comeback a week ago, quickly showed how low and variable the bounce was by attempting to cut what looked like a short wide one and dragging it onto his stumps.

Goord and Chaudry settled the ship with a solid partnership before Chaudry was missed a straight one.

This was Goord's cue to demonstrate maturity and dig in and supervise the run chase.

Instead he unfurled a glorious cover drive - head over the ball, knees bent, the pose held - and edged what was essentially a wide to the wicketkeeper departing for 16, an innings that summed up his Offley career, a cameo of beautiful strokes prematurely ending with a dreadful one.

Cummins fenced at one that shaped away from him before Josh Scott gloved a lifter to gully as Offley imploded, collapsing to 35-5.

Kempston were rampant but Gilkes and Wiles counterattacked, guiding Offley to calmer waters.

The two employed vastly different techniques as befits Wiles, who has appeared as Mr July in the Bored Housewife's Dreamboats Calendar, and Gilkes who has appeared on Crimestoppers.

Wiles plays textbook cricket shots all around the wicket.

Gilkes flails aways like an Appalachian backwoodsman swatting flies with his banjo, invariably producing more edges than a cracked piss pot and relying heavily on the slice to the third man and the mow over midwicket.

While Wiles whiled away the overs, patiently playing himself in, Gilkes seized the initiative and carved the bowlers to all parts before being dismissed by a 13-year old for a superb 21.

Shortly afterwards Barker was also dismissed by the same 13-year old for a rather less superb 1.

Wiles and Tree dragged Offley to within 10 of their target before Tree was trapped LBW, paving the way for Taylor to write a fairytale ending by hitting the winning runs.

Offley needed just four runs to win when an inviting loopy full toss was lobbed up for Taylor, a ball that screamed hit me, a ball that could have been hit anywhere - or safely blocked to allow Wiles to ease his team home.

Taylor had already dispatched one juicy offering behind square leg for a boundary and now jumped at the chance to carve his name in glory by launching the winning hit over the pavilion. 

Which went well.

A mildly distraught Taylor trudged off, questioning why he had opted to play such a shot, tearing at his hair and rending his garments like a character in a Shakespearean tragedy, searching for the answer that dared not speak itself.

Because you're a c**t!

Thus Offley's Nando's Bros, Samdani and Wiles, a pair who love nothing more than talking cricket together over the peri-peri, came together with the game on the line.

One by one they ticked off the remaining runs to carry their team to victory, sending Offley top of the table with two wins out of two, just one fewer than they managed in 16 games last year.

Onwards and upwards.