Spit-Roasted

OSCC, 99 all out, lost to Old Albanians, 202 all out, by 103 runs

Marc Ward's dreams of making it consecutive victories went up in smoke the moment he lost the toss and condemned Offley to field in 30 degree heat at Lilley.

Actually field is perhaps a slightly strange term to use in reference to spending hours lumbering about on a surface that makes rusty corrugated iron resemble silk.

Faced by opponents who were younger, fitter and basically miles better, there could be only one outcome - the cricketing equivalent of a spit-roast in a Turkish sauna.

Things began brightly enough with the news that Roger Piepenstock hadn't arrived by the time the game began.

Roger duly arrived after one ball had been bowled and things duly went so shit.

The visiting openers got off to a fast start, one that was only arrested when an errant Jamie Cummins full toss found a leading edge and Mark Kirkman took an excellent catch at midwicket.

Unfortunately that didn't really do a lot to stem the tide and despite some honest toil - and some pretty inept ground fielding - the runs flowed throughout the innings.

Josh Scott claimed his first two wickets of the season and Steve Denton prised out another but with Offley wilting in the heat and shade only available for the fortunate fielders who got to look for one of the many lost balls, the visitors reached 178-4 and looked poised to post a total around 250.

That they crumbled for 202 owed much to a splendidly hungover Richie Barker's ability to send down a sequence of deliveries that begged to be smashed.

The batsmen duly did so, picking out boundary riders with unerring precision.

Mo did what Mo does and made a tricky catch look remarkably easy at long off.

Piepenstock, moving with the grace and panache of a mortally wounded gazelle somehow got himself in position to attempt a tough catch at mid on and then did remarkably well to hold on.

Adam Ward provided the catch of the day as he ran round at long on to pluck a ball out of the air that had seemed destined for the churchyard when it left the bat.

Barker somehow ended up with 4-25, at least having the good grace to look embarrassed.

Kirkman claimed the last wicket after Scott took a well judged catch at long off to dismiss the opposition's dangerman, Prize Twat.

We'll hear more about Prize Twat later - only fair as we spent most of our innings hearing plenty from Prize Twat who seemed to be under the impression that he should be in contention for the Ashes tour, evidently oblivious to the fact he was sharing the pitch with ourselves. 

Remarkably there was some optimism that Offley could chase down the total inspired by the knowledge that if we batted 40 overs we wouldn't be far away from the target.

Sadly that theory didn't survive the top order being blown away by the new ball.

Skipper Ward gloved a delivery that kicked and reared and floated gently into the hands of first slip.

Basher Baines was either trapped plumb in front (the majority view) or was the victim of a heinous miscarriage of justice courtesy of an inside edge (Basher's view).

Adam Ward played a sumptuous cover drive and was then cleaned up by one that looked to have kept a little low.

Scott was subjected to a torrid working over, surviving a loud shout for caught behind first ball and later taking a nasty blow to the hand.

All the while Prize Twat provided running commentary from his fielding position. 

So that was nice.

Scott's 11-ball vigil was ended amidst shattered stumps as Offley slumped to 28-4.

Mo struck a couple of lusty blows before falling for 14 and Cummins played bravely to register his highest score since May, a plucky 7.

Opening the innings for Offley for the first time, Kirkman held the innings together with a defiant 29 before agonisingly chipping a soft catch to Prize Twat at square leg.

Syed Shah played on, Piepenstock missed a straight one and the last word - appropriately - went to Prize Twat when he produced a shooter to castle Denton as Offley folded for 99.

The previous delivery had pitched in the same place and gone past Denton's chest but fair play to Prize Twat for exploiting the conditions.

Not the best day ever but a determined effort in the heat which produced 12 points and saw a highly impressive six catches out of six held, while Baines also recorded a stumping and Marc Ward produced an excellent piece of fielding to execute a run out.

Something to build on perhaps...