OSCC, 24 (Twenty-four) all out, lost to Ampthill 28-3, by seven wickets
Across the United States grizzled veterans sit in bars and legion halls sipping Wild Turkey and Jack Daniel's and recount the horrors of the Tet Offensive, Khe Sanh and the fall of Saigon.
Many years from now, the shattered remnant of Jamie Cummins' Dark Command may recall their trip to Ampthill with similar dread.
It started well enough for the debutant captain who won the toss and elected to bat first on a good deck on a hot day.
What happened over the next 11 overs was something that had not been seen in the 28 years of the club's sometimes illustrious and occasionally infamous history.
This was infamy at its most infamous.
With the club's all-time leading run scorer, Steve Bexfield, nowhere to be seen, absent either due to a miscommunication or because he was late as usual, saw the scorebaord from the road and thought sod this for a game of soldiers, Cummins bravely led his men over the top, strapping on the pads and marching out to bat with Will Inchbald.
Cummins and Inchbald were both soon unstrapping their pads without bothering to trouble the scorers.
The only men they had bothered were the umpires who were required to reassemble their stumps.
Scott Boatwright, a good man for a crisis, produced the first run off the bat.
Unfortunately he didn't produce a second one.
A week ago John Davis was the talk of Offley after his career-best 13. He followed it up with the 17th duck of his career in 39 innings.
Davis's demolished stumps sent his career average tumbling from 2.37 to a mere 2.31.
Amidst the wreckage Josh Scott stood alone.
Scott threatened to turn the tide as he plundered four priceless runs before having his stumps rearranged.
At this juncture the top five had all been bowled.
Kevin Pietersen might have helped Offley make a game of it.
Ian Peterson did not, although he did at least emulate Boatwright and Scott by getting off the mark.
If things ever go to shit and we get invaded by the Faroe Islands or Norway and you find yourself in the trenches alongside Ian, fear not. He will be there fighting to the last, bravely defying the enemy hordes with a shovel or a tin cup.
Judging by his approach to batting it will not have occurred to him to defy the enemy hordes with his rifle.
For the fifth time in a row, Peterson ignored the wooden thing in his hands, planted his pad in front of a straight one and was given out LBW.
Matthew Taylor and Jordan Cooper duly became the sixth and seventh batsmen respectively to be bowled, also becoming the fourth and fifth batsmen respectively to be out without scoring.
At 18-8 and with all hope of Bexfield riding to the rescue long since gone, the last pair of Darren Lunney and Shane Jones came together.
Lunney is supposedly playing a few games as part of a working vacation; he left the field with the shell-shocked eyes of a man who'd somehow survived the first day of the Somme.
Jones managed a single - his first run of the season; take a bow Shaney - and Extras took their total to 17 before Jones was caught as Offley were dismissed for 24.
The 10 batsmen between them combined for seven runs.
Ten Down; Seven Up.
If reports are to be believed, Gregg Wallace got his cock out more times in a single series of MasterChef than Offley's batsmen managed in a single innings.
Staring down the barrel of a ten-wicket rout, Offley's bowlers produced a heroic, albeit doomed, effort to defend the total.
Scott claimed the first wicket before Jones picked up two more, the hosts gratefully stumbling over the line with just 188 deliveries to spare.
It was all over.
Most Americans weren't in Vietnam, yet it remains indelibly etched on the nation's psyche.
Most of us (thankfully) weren't at Ampthill but for years to come it seems certain to be remembered as Offley's Vietnam, Waterloo, Little Bighorn, Sabina Park (West Indies only got three more than us against Australia today) and the Hawthorns (shout out to all the loyal Luton fans) all rolled into one epic shit show.
Because we can't honestly have a greater display of overwhelming ineptitude in us.
Can we?
Love it as usual and made me laugh. But correction needed; I did not get out to a ‘straight one’…..You weren’t there man, you will never understand!
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