OSCC, 162-8, beat Chorleywood, 127 all out, by 35 runs
&
OSCC, 122 all out, lost to Wolverton, 123-7, by three wickets
Offley enjoyed a mixed weekend, winning one and losing one, enduring batting collapses and sparking them, moving closer to the sunlit uplands of midtable obscurity in one league and drawing ever closer to the drop in the other.
Perhaps the only constant across the weekend was Darren Lunney's fielding off his own bowling.
To drop one return catch might be considered unlucky.
To spill two unfortunate.
To shell three (all off the same batsman) reckless.
And to extend the streak to four the next day might simply be regarded as clear evidence that Darren has penises for fingers.
Marc Ward lost the toss and Offley were invited to bat first on their fifth trip of the year to the Lilley Cabbage Patch.
(Incidentally we do have a friendly scheduled at Lilley for September; good seats are still available.)
Ward and Jamie Cummins reprised their opening partnership, a fleeting alliance ended by Cummins playing down the wrong line.
The batsman's mood was not significantly improved by Scorer Piepenstock enthusiastically telling him that he'd batted for 12 minutes!
Dan Goord joined Ward and the pair took Offley to 76-1 at drinks with some scampering between the wickets and impressive boundary hitting.
At the break Offley seemed well placed to post a total of at least 180 against a rather toothless attack.
Needless to say things did not go quite according to plan as 86-1 became 118-6 amidst a tsunami of shit shots.
Ward started the collapse, departing for 45. Shortly after passing the 350-run mark for the season, the captain opted to drive straight over the top of a ball that didn't turn and hit middle.
Mo arrived to up the ante and hammered a rapid 8 before being trapped on the back foot in front of all three, failing to connect with a shot that resembled someone trying to play French cricket with a frying pan.
Next up was Matty Taylor, walking to the wicket with an average of 1.50 on the season. Moments later he was walking back to the pavilion with an average of 1.00 as he failed to connect with something that might have been a cut but possibly wasn't.
Offley desperately needed Goord to steady the ship and bat through the innings.
Unfortunately, Goord elected to do what Goord does best, chipping the simplest of catches to cover and shuffling back to the shed for a well-made but ultimately frustrating 38.
Moments later teenage sensation Harry Keen - Keen by name, not so keen to get his bat on the ball by nature - played back and was nutmegged for 2.
Lunney (18) and Syed Shah (9) shared a useful partnership of 31 for the seventh wicket before both were bowled in quick succession before the innings closed with the total on 162-8.
The visitors were on the back foot from the start as Lunney struck twice in his first over. Tyler was bowled by one that kept a little low and optimistically felt he might be reprieved on the grounds that the ball may have bounced twice.
Considering the same gentleman had decided he wasn't out when smashing the cover off it in the previous match between the teans, he didn't get much sympathy.
Mo reduced the visitors to 8-3 with a corking delivery and it would have been much worse for Chorleywood had Lunney been able to hold on to any of the three caught and bowled chances offered to him by Mundy who would finish with 50.
In fairness to Darren Penishands, none of the chances was particularly easy, a swollen right hand testifying to the fact that one in particular had been hit extremely hard.
However, they slumped further into the mire at 28-5 with a double strike from Syed, bowling one batsman with a sublime delivery and then accounting for another thanks to a wonderful diving catch from Goord who juggled it three times and finally secured it a couple of inces above the turf.
A recovery of sorts ensued before Steve Denton made it 46-6 and at drinks the visitors were 56-6 and apparently gone for all money.
The first over after the break suggested they might not go quietly as Mundy pumped Syed for four boundaries, prompting Ward to turn to Cummins.
Ward's plan was to give the dangerous Mundy the single and bowl at newcomer Arrivedinarickshaw. Something like that anyway.
Cummins's predatory instincts were clearly insulted by this tactic, the bowler petulantly claiming he was good enough to deal with Mundy.
Consequently he compromised by allowing Arrivedinarickshaw to launch him over mid on for six as he produced one of "those" spells before retreating to the outfield after three expensive overs in one of "those" moods.
Lunney replaced Cummins and immediately bowled Mundy for 50 to end a 62-run partnership and make it 108-7.
Arrivedinarickshaw, always eager to conjure singles out of thin air and turn ones into twos and concerned only that he might make his ground, sold his new partner down the river by calling him for a second run that left him run out by a yard after a magnificent throw from Mo from the long on boundary.
The game was all but done when Richie Barker removed Arrivedinarickshaw for 28 with a nicely judged catch from Syed at backward square.
Syed had the last word when he claimed the last wicket, with Mo, the man who doesn't drop them, holding the catch at long off to clinch the victory.
The win lifts Offley to fifth place in the table, a stunning 44 points above the drop zone.
Sunday is traditionally the Lord's Day, a day for prayer and reflection.
Many years ago, as the disciples relaxed on the sand after a game of beach cricket by the Sea of Galilee, bitching and moaning about Judas giving three of them out LBW despite the fact they'd been hit outside the line on the front foot while playing a shot, Jesus told them the Parable of the Cunt.
"And one day you will find yourself encountering the Cunt. The Cunt will talk like a cunt and act like a cunt - you will have no doubt that he is a cunt.
"But there will come a point when the Cunt realises he has been a bit much of a cunt and he will try to row back on his cuntishness. And when the Cunt has won he will be all jokey and matey and insist there are no hard feelings and it was really a good game.
"Thus will you know that the Cunt really was a cunt."
Basically if you were there, you know who this refers to.
If you weren't there the fella in question bore a splended resemblance to this chap.
He bowled like Penfold as well so when you realise he finished with figures of 8-4-13-6 you'd (rightly) conclude he might not have been the only cunt on display.
Offley won the toss and elected to bat, going back to the future with the most successful opening partnership in club history, the Killer Bs, Barker & Bexfield.
Batting with few undue alarms the pair guided Offley past the first target (24) and put on 55 for the first wicket before Barker (20) was beaten by one that nipped back and hit the top of off stump.
Will Inchbald is a man revered by Shillington cricketers as the man who single-handedly won a T20 match against them with an unbeaten 79.
Regrettably that innings is starting to look like something of an outlier as six other innings for the club have now produced 26 runs.
Before Sunday five innings had produced 26 runs.
The latest mishap involved softly chipping the ball to a petrified teenager at square leg where he held on comfortably.
Inchbald's dismissal was the first entry in the contest for Worst Shot of the Day (Hitting the Ball Category).
A third wicket went down on 55 when Bexfield attempted to leave one and instead edged to slip after making an impressive 25.
Goord and Scott Boatwright rebuilt the innings with a stand of 21 before Goord (15) went back and played round and over the top of a straight ball.
This marked another entry in the contest for Worst Shot of the Day (Missing the Ball Category).
Always strong off his legs, Boatwright decided to flex his muscles and emply the slog sweep to a straight ball, an enterprise that ended with him walking back to the pavilion, firmly in the mix for the Worst Shot of the Day.
Mark Kirkman produced another contender by chipping a catch to cover before Ian Peterson achieved an unlikely double.
First of all he was not LBW, thereby ending his streak of LBWS at five.
Second of all he did not emerge as a contender for Worst Shot of the Day as his off stump was flattened by a good delivery.
Maybe he should have tried getting his pad in the way.
Kaiz Ul-Haq charged past a straight one, Jordan Cooper missed with something agricultural before the innings ended with Lunney attempting to pull a length ball, a shot that was very much a contender for Worst Shot of the Day.
Cummins, unbeaten on 9 at the other end, was not impressed as Offley were bolwed out with 40 deliveries to spare.
From the moment the opening stand was broken to the moment Lunney's stumps were rearranged, Offley lost ten wickets in 107 balls.
In the past four matches Offley have lost 45 wickets.
30 of those have been bowled with another four LBW for good measure, suggesting there might not just be some sort of inherent weakness in dealing with straight balls, but a pathological desire to do something truly twattish when the round red thing is heading towards the stumps.
Once again Lunney made an early breakthrough before the second-wicket partnership looked set to carry the visitors to a swift victory.
Lunney kept it tight at one end but failed to make a second incision when he dropped his fourth return cactch of the weekend.
At the other end Cummins and Cooper explored the middle of the pitch, challenging the batsmen to play the pull shot if they thought they could handle the pace.
Ultimately Cooper made the brealthrough with one that kept low, striking the batsman on the ankle and prompting him to walk before the umpire gave him out. Just as well really.
Kirkman struck with one that kept low before Kaiz, sporting a new streamlined haircut that conveys the impression of the prisoner no one fucks with, bounced out number four, the ball looping to point where gun fielder Cummins took his seventh catch of the season.
Kaiz claimed a second wicket thanks to a good catch at midwicket from Peterson who is now looking a good bet to finish his debut season with more catches (currently 3) than his batting average (currently 3.14).
Barker provided more one twist when he struck twice in two balls, Lunney making good ground to take the catch and offering solid evidence that he's still reliable when the ball isn't blasted straight back at him.
Next ball Barker bowled the bloke who'd turned down stone dead LBW shouts off his bowling in both home and away contests so he quite enjoyed that one.
Alas there were no more miracles as Offley narrowly lost by three wickets, slipping to defeat before getting to hear all about it from the individual mentioned at the start.
The defeat leaves Offley 15 points adrift of Hexton with five games left to play, one of the teams certain to be joining hapless Kempston in Division Six next season.
It feels like it may be getting late early.
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