OSCC, 128 all out, lost to CKCC (Cheating Kunts Cricket Club), 129-9, by one wicket
Kicked a chair over.
Kicked a locker in.
Kicked two stumps out of the ground after bowling some kunt who didn't walk and let some other kunt give him not out.
So that was my day.
In fairness the first two incidents were entirely my own fault for edging a short wide one but the third one.....
Marc Ward's ten men (Thank you very much ECB for your wanky rules) started the day by waiting around for CCCC to turn up, the game not getting under way until 1.30.
Highly ironic that you have these shitcock rules when you knowingly rig the fixture list in the T20 Blast and the Championship First Division.
Ward won the toss and elected to bat first, the captain walking out to open the batting with Richie Barker.
The Tango & Fanta combination put on 31 for the first wicket before Ward elected not to play a shot to a rapidly dipping full toss and was bowled.
Moments later Barker was following him back to inflict damage on the furniture before Sayed Shah's optimistic drive left Offley 37-3.
Shaun Baines effortlessly picked out mid off before Harry Keen was cleaned up without scoring to make it 49-5.
Deeply submerged in the shit, Dan Goord (a man who is starting to bear an uncanny resemblance to Charlie Sheen) joined forces with Roger Piepenstock to launce a rescue operation.
Goord top-scored with 29
The duo dug in to see Offley to drinks on 85-5.
Three balls after the break it was 85-6 after Goord played the sort of shot that Goord plays, guiding a wide one into the hands of point and trudging back to the shed after berating himself for being a twat.
Piepenstock made 14, facing the most deliveries of all the batsmen, before he was bowled by one that kept low.
Piepenstock's knock took his tally to the season to 53 and means that of the seven men to have captained Offley this season, only Hitchin starlet James Barker has yet to amass 50 runs in 2025.
Shane Jones lasted long enough to post his highest score of the season (2) and pull his hamstring chugging through for a single before holing out to mid on and leave Offley 102-8.
Ian Peterson and Steve Denton added 26 for the ninth and final wicket as Peterson for once avoided using his pads and made his highest score for the club (15*) while Denton scampered singles that belied each one of his 63 years before both batters ended up at the same end and Denton was run out.
Offley were dismissed for 128.
Offley got off to a sensational start with the ball.
Denton struck twice, Barker trapped one plumb in front and Sayed claimed two wickets, including sending the middle stump of captain Kangaroofukka cartwheeling out of the ground to reduce CCCC to 29-5.
There should also have been a run out but for some reason (who knows what) the square leg umpire claimed Baines had knocked the bails off with his glove when he had clearly deflected the ball on to the stumps.
He might have been dismissed for a duck but Kangaroofukka was determined to win the game for his team, immediately returning to the middle to umpire from both ends and coach his batsmen, advising them of strategy throughout the remainder of the game.
Don't think that one's in the ECB coaching manual but who cares when Kangaroofukka can do what he wants and pass on his tactical knowledge of the game to the likes of Whoorderedanuber and Cleanedupbyastraightone.
Keen took a good catch at point to make it 42-6 before Barker followed up by bowling CKCC's Cleanedupbyastraightone.
Despite the ball smashing into leg stump Cleanedupbyastraightone claimed he was not out and Umpire Kangaroofukka insisted he had not seen the incident so could not give it out.
This led to an interesting exchange of views between the fielders and batsman and concluded with Kangaroofukka shrugging his shoulders, Cleanedupbyastraightone insisting we should play the game and the bowler volleying a couple of stumps in the general direction of mid off.
Barker had his revenge in his next over when he had Cleanedupbyastraightone caught at the wicket, the batsman electing to walk even though Kangaroofukka had shown no inclination to take his finger out of his arse pouch.
CKCC were 48-7 and Offley were on the brink.
Sayed claimed his fourth wicket to break a 25-run stand and make it 73-8 and even a 20-run stand for the ninth wicket did not seem critical when Jones broke through to make it 93-9.
At which point, predictably and irretrievably, everything went spectacularly to shit as Whoorderedanuber picked the Offley attack apart.
Kangaroofukka played a blinder, waving his arms and signalling wides like a seizure victim trying to land a plane on an aircraft carrier.
The runs ticked down as balls went through legs (Piepenstock seemd to be under the impression he was a drunken Coassack dancer at mid off as he repeatedly tried to stop the ball by kicking it) and Offley failed to take their chances.
Peterson missing the chance of a run out, and Whoorderedanuber was granted two lives, Sheen Goord failing to hold on in the deep and Keen spilling one on the boundary.
The tension was all too much for Piepenstock who was reduced to having a piss behind the sightscreen as the game reached it's final desperate moments.
Goord bowled an over he will not remember fondly, spraying the ball all over the place like his lookalike Sheen sneezing over a pile of Charlie, and suddenly CKCC needed just two to win as Ward steamed in from the Car Park End and sent down a leg side that Baines could only forlornly parry into the vacinity of the vacant fine leg region to seal the outcome.
Anyone who has played with Barker will know there are two types of games, those where he seeks to avoid the ropes like Dick Turpin at the gallows and those where he storms straight off to retrieve the furthest one so he doesn't have to go through the formalities of shaking hands with the likes of Kangaroofukka.
This one can firmly be filed in the latter category.
If you weren't there you can only imagine just how thrilled Ward's troops were at the oppostion having a celebratory photo taken in front of the pavilion.
I don't want to be a dick about this or anything but I hope Kangaroofukka got blinded by the flash.
So yea, we lost.
But at the end of the day surely 'tis better to have lost with one's outnumbered comrades than to be ordering another cocktail by the pool from a Turkish waiter or watching the goals fly in at Bradford.
Anyway the result leaves us needing 55 points from our final three games to ensure survival.
Could be worse.
Could have three games left at Lilley instead of two....
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