The Biggest Cock In Hertfordshire

 OSCC, 135 all out, lost to Abbots Langley, 231-9, by 96 runs

On a humid afternoon ten-man Offley went down to an emphatic defeat at the hands of The Biggest Cock in Hertfordshire.

Judging by his accent The Biggest Cock in Hertfordshire (TBCH) had been brought up on the other side of the world and got his childhood kicks driving through Soweto looking for homeless children to burn.

TBCH celebrated every wicket he took with the type of delighted yells and fist pumps that the Voortrekkers used when pouring lead into the Zulus at Blood River.

Unfortunately he did quite a bit of celebrating and then having behaved like a complete cunt in the finest South African tradition (not like anything our South African contingent would ever think of doing - splendid chaps those) earnestly said he hoped there would be no bad blood as that was the last thing he'd want....

The fact that TBCH spent almost his entire day fielding at fine leg or long off suggests he was one of those individuals that you're probably happy enough to have on your team even though you realise he's a complete bellend and try to keep him as far away from everyone else as possible.

Marc Ward won the toss and opted to bowl with nine men, hoping that the late Roger Piepenstock would turn up sooner rather than later.

Roger lives next to the ground at Offley and thus far this season has been late to pretty much every home game, late to pretty much every game at Lilley and late to pretty much every away game.

People who have been dead for a century aren't as late as Roger.

Steve Denton struck in the first over of the match, ironically winning an LBW decision against TBCH.

A nice man, Steve has gradually shifted in his umpiring technique from a man who is reluctant to give anything to a man who now feels the need to reciprocate LBW decisions.

Steve is at the stage of his career where he likes to give something back.

Or send someone back.

Ward appeared to pick up his first wicket of the year with a catch to the keeper but the batsman declined to walk and for reasons known only to himself TBCH declined to give it out.

Offley trudged through to the drinks break having just about kept the lid on things but with the opposition ominously placed on 76-1.

Captain and vice-captain exhorted the troops to stick together and support each other, a defiant rallying cry that the troops evidently translated as "Let's go out and field like blind cunts!"

The remaining 20 overs were something of a jailbreak as Offley combined hopeless bowling with inept fielding shipping boundaries galore.

The bowlers lit the bonfire and the fielders danced around throwing petrol on the flames.

Shaun Baines took an excellent catch in the outfield to dismiss the top scorer for 85 (a man who should have been LBW on 60 but obviously wasn't because the best player can't be given out hit on the role on the back foot) but then served up two overs of bilge that went for 26.

Richie Barker served up eight overs of fuck knows what that somehow picked up three wickets at an extortionate cost.

Denton also finished with three including an second LBW and a stumping that meant he obviously felt the need to show his gratitude when he commenced his umpire duties. 

Announcing that intention in the dressing room before the innings started was not necessarily what the batsmen needed to hear.

By the end Offley were left with the small matter of chasing 232 to win and the writing was on the wall.

Barker and Ward resisted for a while at the start of the innings before Barker was hit on the pad and Denton raised the finger and unleashed TBCH.

Bawling "Yes! Yes! Yes!" at the top of his voice while the veins in his temples threatened to explode as he squatted in the middle of the wicket pumping his fists and evidently attempting to shit out a particularly obstinate pineapple, TBCH celebrated making the breakthrough in this crucial midtable battle in Divison 10.

Sorry.

Division 10 West.

Given a rare opportunity to go in early, Piepenstock came and went at the other end before Ward was bowled by TBCH which sparked another round of gutteral roars and celebrations from the emotionally stunted lovechild of the Incredible Hulk and a rhinosceros as he sent Ward on his way back to the pavilion.

TBCH Celebrates Another 10 West Victim

TBCH struck again when he removed Baines and the batsman walked off with the triumphant war cries of TBCH ringing in his ears.

TBCH completed his spell by getting one to rear off a length and hitting Scott Boatwright in the ear, drawing blood and prompting a brief delay. 

South African fast bowlers and policemen share the same mantra that their duty is to make batsmen and prisoners bleed.

Duly satisfied he had done his bit TBCH stomped back down to fine leg without making a token gesture to see if the batsman was injured.

(Sidebar: Prior to going out to bat, Boatwright asked one of his colleagues if he should wear a helmet. The colleague advised him to do so and had an excellent view of the incident from his vantage point umpiring at square leg. Some people can't be told...)

TBCH's last contribution to the game was diving over one at mid off like a harpooned hippo and turning a tight single into a comfortable two.

The middle order disintegrated in similar fashion to the top order (kudos to Nick Rowlatt for scoring his first runs for the club and then booting the ball that scuttled along the floor and bowled him through the covers before walking off) and an early finish looked on the cards before an unlikely eighth-wicket stand between Harry "Keen" Keen and Sayed Shah.

Teen Keen Keen went into the game averaging precisely two from his previous four innings for Offley but survived a ball in the balls to make an impressive unbeaten 33.

Sayed hit a wristy 26 and even Denton weighed in with a season-best 8 as Offley cobbled together an unlikely four batting points.

The result leaves Offley in sixth place with four matches to go and the knowledge that victory over Royal Herts on Saturday should pretty much guarantee another season of Division 10 West cricket.

Lose and it could get rather interesting.

On the subject of relegation battles, Offley are still alive in the Bedfordshire League with three games to go.

Marc Ward and Ben Wiles masterminded the hammering of Kempston Hapless and leaves Offley 13 points clear of Hexton.

The only downside is that Offley only have three games left - one of which will be forfeited on finals day - while Hexton still have to play Kempston Hapless.

Ward posted a career-best 93 before being run out agonisingly short of his century, a dismissal that means younger brother Adam is still the only member of the family to have scored a hundred.

Playing several steps below his level, Wiles displayed the technique that has helped in so many nightclubs around the world at 3am (bored, good looking bloke takes pity on ladies with lovely personalities) to help himself to an insouciantly easy 80 before being adjudged LBW by Steve Bexfield.

In the process Wiles's average slumped dramatically from 80.333333 to a frankly pathetic 80.25.

Bexfield had earlier been given out by Pad-Up Peterson who responded to optimistic cries for a catch behind by giving Bex LBW.

Ten-man Kempston's innings imploded like a submarine with four ducks as the bowlers shared out the wickets like a game of musical chairs.

Kaiz Ul-Haq took three, debutant Mohamed Mujreen, pace ace Jordan Cooper and twirlster Shane Jones all picked up two apiece.

Unfortunately that meant when the music stopped and there was no chair left for one unlucky bowler it was Jamie Cummins who finished wicketless for the fifth time in a row.

It's a mystery how someone who looks just like Harry Potter can produce such feeble spells.