High Five

 OSCC, 135-8, beat Harpenden, 134-9, by 2 wickets

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OSCC, 205-2, beat Cople Argus, 135 all out, by 70 runs

Offley's impressive start to the season continued as they made it five league wins out of five at the weekend with victories over Harpenden and Cople Argus respectively.

Marc Ward won the toss and inserted a young Harpenden side, a decision that didn't look overly brilliant at one stage as opening bowler Mo Khalid missed the first ten overs of the contest and wasn't eligible to bowl until after the drinks break.

Although this was rather unhelpful it did ensure that neither of the two men who live closest to the ground, Roger Piepenstock and Ian Peterson, bore the customary shame of being the last to arrive.

Fortunately the match marked the first game of the season for ageless stalwart Steve Denton, a man who can still remember where he was when Kennedy was shot.

Denton shared the new ball with the Sultan of Sialkot, Sensational Syed Shah, as Offley strove for early wickets.

The breakthrough might have arrived earlier if - and no one's really made mention of this over the weekend apart from the Stopsley Supergrass himself, Jamie Cummins, a man who couldn't keep a secret if his life depended on it - Ward had held on to a regulation catch at midwicket off Denton.

As it was Syed made the initial brekathrough by hitting the stumps in familiar fashion before Denton claimed his first wicket of the season thanks to a sliding catch from Cummins.

After that not a lot happened as Harpenden pottered along nicely to drinks without losing another wicket.

The visitors were beginning to take the initiative when the bell tolled for skipper Bell as he carved Syed to point where Mo Chaudry took a well-judged catch.

Harpenden reached 93-3 before the middle order - all of whom will one day be old enough to vote -collapsed against the wickedly turning offerings of Richie Barker.

Top-scorer Abbott-Chambers, someone whose name suggests it's unlikely he'll ever see the inside of Borstal, played across the line and was LBW after making 41 from 73 balls.

The next three batters departed to the Barker-Baines combination via a stumping and two catches, Barker helping himself to 4-27, a haul that possibly deserves investigation by the NSPCC.

Late resistance came from Hannah Stobbs as she took a liking to some of Cummins' shorter and wider deliveries to make an unbeaten 24, Harpenden closing on 134-9.

Ward and Barker began the Offley chase and put on 30 for the first wicket before the latter was LBW for 23.

Mo Chaudry made a brisk 2 while Ward spent 49 balls at the crease, accumulating 45 dots, before he hoicked across the line and missed to leave Offley wobbling on 48-3.

Mo Khalid kickstarted the faltering run chase with 16 from just 11 balls before he missed a straight one and was LBW.

Scott Boatwright, fresh from enjoying himself in the outfield after being liberated from the gloves, held the innings together with a solid 15 before he attempted to launch one into Offley Place and missed.

Boatwright's attempt to throw the bat had failed but this did not stop him from throwing the bat across the boundary and berating himself for his dismissal.

Baines, who had come in with an injury that he exacerbated while keeping, somehow made it worse before his gallant resistance ended with his stumps being rearranged.

Piepenstock contributed 8 runs to the cause before he was undone by one that may have kept a fraction low to the ribald amusement of those in the cheap seats.

Syed looked to be Offley's best last hope but when he holed out at midwicket Offley were 115-8 with Cummins marching out to join Peterson and the bookies preparing to pay out on a Harpenden win.

Let us consider the situation.

On a slow pitch with the ball keeping low and boundaries almost impossible to come by on a damp outfield, Offley's hopes rested with a duo who had combined to score four runs in five innings to start the season.

Cummins (career average 4.94) and Peterson (5.44) were all that stood between number eleven, Old Man Denton, and disaster.

Cummins led a charmed life, surviving a confident shout for LBW first ball and an even more confident shout for a run out after the calling left a little to be desired.

Peterson also narrowly avoided being run out by about five feet as the two batters converged in the middle of the wicket to debate the merits of a running a bye to the keeper.

And yet they survived.

Peterson, resplendent in a vomit-grey sweater, somehow managed to avoid getting his pad in the way of a straight one to make his highest score for Offley with an unbeaten 19.

Cummins finished 11 not out as Offley scraped home with six balls and two wickets to spare, leaving them as just one of three unbeaten teams in the Saracens League after the first two rounds of fixtures.

Cople Argus promised to be a rather different matter, if only because they rocked up with a team all clearly capable of possessing driving licenses and going to see a 15-rated movie without a supervising adult.

Offley won the toss and batted and quickly found themselves up against an attack that had no business plying their trade in Division Six.

Barker and Steve Hoar rode their luck at times but ground out an opening partnership of 81 before the captain steered one to cover for 29.

Hoar and Ward took the total to 109 before Hoar was brilliantly caught at slip for 62.

Less than eight overs remained as Ben Wiles walked to the creae.

Blocker Ben studiously played himself in, squandering at least half a dozen deliveries with defensive prods and surviving a dubious call for a quick single from Ward, before he began to stamp his authority on proceedings.

If there are few things Wiles cannot do (and for fuck's sake if anyone knows what they are please share it with the rest of us), there are certain things that only he can do and it's fair to say his unbeaten 79 falls into that category where the rest of the Offley squad are concerned.

Wiles struck eight boundaries and smote four sixes, losing three balls in the process, to haul Offley up to 205-2 as 92 runs came from the last seven overs.

With scarce a hair out of place, Wiles walked off to the acclaim of his colleagues, the applause of his opponents and the gentle sound of a thousand fannies fluttering as every eligible hottie in his phone gushed with pride at Ben's latest triumph.

Any thoughts that Offley might stroll to victory disappeared as quickly as Cummins' new ball spell. Struggling for line and length and spraying the ball like a crop-spreader, Cummins conceded boundaries on both sides of the wicket.

Cummins has now sent down 144 wicketless deliveries this season and one has to go back to July 12, 2025, a run of 13 matches, to discover the last time Jamie took a wicket.

At the time of writing that's 310 days without a wicket.

In fairness it should be pointed out he was way too good for JB in the nets last week.

Cummins was withdrawn after four overs allowing the Great Samdani to try his luck. 

Unfortunately the Great Samdani only pulled a succession of pies from his hats as he was blasted out of the attack after a two-over spell.

Cople were on the march, the scoreboard read 80-0, and Barker sent another wayward delivery into the batsman's pads.

Torn between smashing it through midwicket or square leg, the batsman missed it allowing it to deflect off both pads and on to the stumps to give Offley the vital breakthrough.

The second wicket came shortly afterwards. The ball was hit hard and it was hit flat to deep midwicket where any other Offley fielder would have been grateful to corral it on the bounce and avoid breaking a finger.

Unfortunately for the batsman Wiles was at deep midwicket and he combined the gracefulness of an ice dancer with the hands of a surgeon to slide in and take the catch inches off the ground.

That was the cue for the middle order to implode.

Barker picked up his third wicket as Ian Laidler held a good catch at mid on before Wiles struck twice in successive deliveries to leave the visitors rocking.

The collapse continued as Barker completed his five-wicket haul before Peter Gilkes took centre stage as he administered the last rites to the Cople tail.

The batsmen were scarecely able to lay a bat on Gilkes (and not just the delivery he sent down where he failed to land it on the cut bit).

Gilkes is a man who looks like Santa and appears to the untrained eye to be sending down presents for batsmen.

Yet to the batsmen's horror these were not presents but viciously-swinging grenades wrapped in leather, three of which beat the bat and detonated the stumps.

Gilkes finished with 3-9, sealing the win with the wicket of Gregory who had underpinned the Cople innings with an excellent 54.

The 70-run victory, seemingly out of the question an hour beforehand, keeps Offley up with the pacesetters in the Bedfordshire League.

Five out of five.