OSCC, 89-4, beat Harlington, 88 all out, by six wickets On a day when Jamie Cummins conceded more runs from the game's opening over than he's scored in the month of June and subsequently produced possibly the worst piece of fielding ever seen on a cricket field, Offley overcame Harlington and the heat to storm out of the relegation zone. James Barker, a man who knows every trick in the book for motivating people and chooses to ignore all of them, lost the toss and Offley were invited to field in 30 degree heat. Cummins took the new ball and chugged in down the slope like a three-wheeled fire engine going to the wrong fire. By the time the over had concluded, Cummins had sent down nine deliveries, surrendered a pair of sixes and another boundary and also made the initial breakthrough when holding on to a return catch after the batter mistimed another mighty blow. The scoreboard read 19-1, Cummins taking his cap from the umpire and also taking a well-earned breather after his le...

  OSCC, 117-9, lost to Sandridge, 121-2, by eight wickets 'Twas on the 21st of June To Lilley we did roam Some cunts had hired our ground out So we could not play at home Two of our players dropped out We prayed it wasn't so But one of them was Roger So 'twas not a mighty blow Bex and Gary saved us They answered the late call Though Gary looked uneasy Far from the bathroom stall The pessimists said, "Call it off!" They said we had no chance They said our odds were feeble Just like Johnny's batting stance It was the summer solstice The day that never ends Just like one of Jamie's overs Due to all the wides he sends The mercury hit thirty It was really fucking hot Just like dear old Bradders When he threw a punch at Scott Wardy was our captain He'd never won a game And when you're talking leadership That's not a claim to fame It goes without saying That Wardy lost the toss And soon we were out batting On a wicket full of moss The ball leapt round...

OSCC, 62 all out, lost to Jonno's Old Mates, 63-3, by 7 wickets After a particularly woeful performance German manager Franz Beckenbauer once said he could tie all of his players up in a sack and hit them with a stick and whoever got hit hardest would desrve it. Which pretty much sums up Offley's latest display of synchronised pooch fucking as a game scheduled to last 80 overs was done and dusted with 48.2 overs remaining. There have been plenty of inept Offley performances in the club's history but this one was pretty fucking special as a team that looked strong on proved to be about as resilient as a virgin's virtue in the back of Kyle Walker's car. Offley started with high hopes. Imagine heading off on a night out wearing a new designer shirt, expensive after shave and making a good impression with an attractive woman in a club. Fast forward a few hours (or in this case about 30 overs) and imagine waking up in bed as the little spoon with a toothless fat bird snu...

OSCC, 128-9, lost to Royal Herts, 129-6, by four wickets Marc Ward returned to the side as Offley attempted to make it three wins on the spin in the Herts League. Unfortunately they ended up losing for the fourteenth time in a row under Wardy's illustirous leadership, slipping to a four-wicket defeat on a snot heap of a wicket. Ward won the toss and elected to bat before realising that his team did not necessarily contain a great deal of batting. The captain led the way with a valiant 30, an innings that ended to the last ball before drinks when he successfully steered a wide full toss gently into the hands of point, the dismissal ending a 39-run stand for the fourth wicket with Jamie Cummins. Ward reacted to his dismissal with a series of self-recriminations featuring bat throwing, helmet smashing and vocal flagellation, all worthy of the Old Testament. By that point Richie Barker (1), Marcus Townsend (6) and Ian Peterson (8) had already made the long walk back to the hutch. Resum...

This is a very special appeal. This is Wardy. Ever since he was a little boy, he has had just one dream - to lead his cricket team to victory. Last year he finally got the chance to make his dream come true when he was appointed captain of Offley's Saturday side. Unfortunately, Offley lost every game Wardy played - they won a couple when he was absent, doing just enough not to finish dead last - and experienced that familiar relegation feeling. Despite that Wardy was reappointed for 2025 and has done an excellent job in recruiting players and getting teams on the field. Unfortunately, this commitment and dedication hasn't translated to success on the pitch - at least not when he's directing operations on the field. Five matches into the season and he's still searching for his first victory, losing every game in which he's been in charge. Fortunately he's been away for the last two games and Offley have managed to win both, despite fielding for the vast majority ...

OSCC, 117-0, beat Abbots Langley 149-7, on Run Rate On a day when the rain poured down to suggest an ark might be more useful than a pavilion, Offley made it four wins in a row - something that cannot honestly have happened since before the pandemic - as Adam Ward and Richie Barker shared an unbeaten 117-run partnership to secure a 10 wicket win. Once again it was a victory for the underdogs as Offley were reduced to 10 men for the final 30 overs of the innings after Scott Boatwright injured a calf muscle celebrating a catch. Seriously. Offley went into the match full of confidence, riding a three-game winning streak and safe in the knowledge that Captain Catastrophe, Marc Ward, was not playing. Barker won the toss and elected to bowl first with rain in the air and every chance of a shortened game. Offley got off to a good start as Syed Shah claimed two early wickets, both caught at the wicket by Boatwright. Boaty had flown in from Japan, landing at 6am and there was clearly a bit of n...

OSCC, 116-6, beat Shillington, 115-9, by four wickets OSCC, 174-6, beat Harpenden, 166 all out, by eight runs OSCC, 245-6, beat Hexton, 152 all out, by 93 runs Having started the season by losing six out of six - and conceding a seventh to boot - Offley kicked the season into life with a three-game sweep of assorted opponents. The week that began with the unfortunate Bus Wanka saga ended with the victory beers overflowing. Captain Roger Piepenstock secured the first win of the season against Shillington, having been elected to the position on the grounds of his patrician bearing and the fact he was the only one with a coin (a golden guinea presumably) to toss up. Manouvering his fielders with a combination of frantic arm-waving and polite requests one that conjured images of a pissed up usher at a garden party, Captain Piepenstock ensured Shillington were restricted to 115-9.  Mark Kirkman and Shane Jones were the pick of the bowlers with three wickets apiece but there were also tw...