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Dotting Davis's Defiantly Dogged Determination Delays Dispiriting Defeat

  O SCC, 113-8, lost to MK Warriors, 171-8, by 58 runs Since the dawn of time man has sought to take on fresh challenges and scale new heights. Man has walked on the moon. Everest has been conquered. The 10-second barrier for the 100 metres has been shattered. Americans elected a massive orange twat as President.  Twice. Britain elected a gormless, unprincipled and spineless dipshit as Prime Minister.  So far only once but let's see where we are in another four years. Marc Ward won a game as captain. And yet as Sinead O'Connor might have put it, nothing compares 2 u, John Davis, on finally joining the Offley Double Figures Club (DFC) at just the 38th time of asking. Davis reeled off a breathtaking series of strokes as he scored a sublime 13 to lift his career average up to 2.378378378. Mysteriously and unfairly spurned as a bowler of late by a succession of captains, Davis has grabbed the opportunity to reinvent himself as a stoical middle order bastion of blockage. On a ...
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VW Day

 OSCC, 160-3, beat Luton Town & Indians, 157 all out, by seven wickets And so finally it came to pass. Having assumed the captaincy in February 2024 and toiled through a season and a half of heart-sapping, soul-crushing, spirit-breaking defeats - and the Christians give it big licks because Jesus went camping for 40 days and 40 nights - Marc Ward experienced his first win as captain. Leading from the front, Ward top-scored on a day where hope finally triumphed over experience and ten of eleven players either contributed runs or wickets to the cause. The eleventh, Roger Piepenstock, contributed his IT expertise to the event, overseeing his beloved iPad going wrong. Again. The Ideal Ashes With the visitors nervously inspecting the craters and crevices to be found on the Lilley length, a delighted Ward won the toss and opted to bowl. The last time anyone looked quite so happy on a potentially lethal surface was when Princess Diana was posing cheerfully for the cameras in the middl...

Offley Rock As Cummins Rolls

 OSCC, 89-4, beat Harlington, 88 all out, by six wickets On a day when Jamie Cummins conceded more runs from the game's opening over than he's scored in the month of June and subsequently produced possibly the worst piece of fielding ever seen on a cricket field, Offley overcame Harlington and the heat to storm out of the relegation zone. James Barker, a man who knows every trick in the book for motivating people and chooses to ignore all of them, lost the toss and Offley were invited to field in 30 degree heat. Cummins took the new ball and chugged in down the slope like a three-wheeled fire engine going to the wrong fire. By the time the over had concluded, Cummins had sent down nine deliveries, surrendered a pair of sixes and another boundary and also made the initial breakthrough when holding on to a return catch after the batter mistimed another mighty blow. The scoreboard read 19-1, Cummins taking his cap from the umpire and also taking a well-earned breather after his le...

Gubbed

  OSCC, 117-9, lost to Sandridge, 121-2, by eight wickets 'Twas on the 21st of June To Lilley we did roam Some cunts had hired our ground out So we could not play at home Two of our players dropped out We prayed it wasn't so But one of them was Roger So 'twas not a mighty blow Bex and Gary saved us They answered the late call Though Gary looked uneasy Far from the bathroom stall The pessimists said, "Call it off!" They said we had no chance They said our odds were feeble Just like Johnny's batting stance It was the summer solstice The day that never ends Just like one of Jamie's overs Due to all the wides he sends The mercury hit thirty It was really fucking hot Just like dear old Bradders When he threw a punch at Scott Wardy was our captain He'd never won a game And when you're talking leadership That's not a claim to fame It goes without saying That Wardy lost the toss And soon we were out batting On a wicket full of moss The ball leapt round...

Pooch Fucking

OSCC, 62 all out, lost to Jonno's Old Mates, 63-3, by 7 wickets After a particularly woeful performance German manager Franz Beckenbauer once said he could tie all of his players up in a sack and hit them with a stick and whoever got hit hardest would desrve it. Which pretty much sums up Offley's latest display of synchronised pooch fucking as a game scheduled to last 80 overs was done and dusted with 48.2 overs remaining. There have been plenty of inept Offley performances in the club's history but this one was pretty fucking special as a team that looked strong on proved to be about as resilient as a virgin's virtue in the back of Kyle Walker's car. Offley started with high hopes. Imagine heading off on a night out wearing a new designer shirt, expensive after shave and making a good impression with an attractive woman in a club. Fast forward a few hours (or in this case about 30 overs) and imagine waking up in bed as the little spoon with a toothless fat bird snu...

Wardy Still Hasn't Found What He's Looking For

OSCC, 128-9, lost to Royal Herts, 129-6, by four wickets Marc Ward returned to the side as Offley attempted to make it three wins on the spin in the Herts League. Unfortunately they ended up losing for the fourteenth time in a row under Wardy's illustirous leadership, slipping to a four-wicket defeat on a snot heap of a wicket. Ward won the toss and elected to bat before realising that his team did not necessarily contain a great deal of batting. The captain led the way with a valiant 30, an innings that ended to the last ball before drinks when he successfully steered a wide full toss gently into the hands of point, the dismissal ending a 39-run stand for the fourth wicket with Jamie Cummins. Ward reacted to his dismissal with a series of self-recriminations featuring bat throwing, helmet smashing and vocal flagellation, all worthy of the Old Testament. By that point Richie Barker (1), Marcus Townsend (6) and Ian Peterson (8) had already made the long walk back to the hutch. Resum...

The Ginger Jonah

This is a very special appeal. This is Wardy. Ever since he was a little boy, he has had just one dream - to lead his cricket team to victory. Last year he finally got the chance to make his dream come true when he was appointed captain of Offley's Saturday side. Unfortunately, Offley lost every game Wardy played - they won a couple when he was absent, doing just enough not to finish dead last - and experienced that familiar relegation feeling. Despite that Wardy was reappointed for 2025 and has done an excellent job in recruiting players and getting teams on the field. Unfortunately, this commitment and dedication hasn't translated to success on the pitch - at least not when he's directing operations on the field. Five matches into the season and he's still searching for his first victory, losing every game in which he's been in charge. Fortunately he's been away for the last two games and Offley have managed to win both, despite fielding for the vast majority ...

Tango & Fanta

OSCC, 117-0, beat Abbots Langley 149-7, on Run Rate On a day when the rain poured down to suggest an ark might be more useful than a pavilion, Offley made it four wins in a row - something that cannot honestly have happened since before the pandemic - as Adam Ward and Richie Barker shared an unbeaten 117-run partnership to secure a 10 wicket win. Once again it was a victory for the underdogs as Offley were reduced to 10 men for the final 30 overs of the innings after Scott Boatwright injured a calf muscle celebrating a catch. Seriously. Offley went into the match full of confidence, riding a three-game winning streak and safe in the knowledge that Captain Catastrophe, Marc Ward, was not playing. Barker won the toss and elected to bowl first with rain in the air and every chance of a shortened game. Offley got off to a good start as Syed Shah claimed two early wickets, both caught at the wicket by Boatwright. Boaty had flown in from Japan, landing at 6am and there was clearly a bit of n...

The Triangle of Triumph

OSCC, 116-6, beat Shillington, 115-9, by four wickets OSCC, 174-6, beat Harpenden, 166 all out, by eight runs OSCC, 245-6, beat Hexton, 152 all out, by 93 runs Having started the season by losing six out of six - and conceding a seventh to boot - Offley kicked the season into life with a three-game sweep of assorted opponents. The week that began with the unfortunate Bus Wanka saga ended with the victory beers overflowing. Captain Roger Piepenstock secured the first win of the season against Shillington, having been elected to the position on the grounds of his patrician bearing and the fact he was the only one with a coin (a golden guinea presumably) to toss up. Manouvering his fielders with a combination of frantic arm-waving and polite requests one that conjured images of a pissed up usher at a garden party, Captain Piepenstock ensured Shillington were restricted to 115-9.  Mark Kirkman and Shane Jones were the pick of the bowlers with three wickets apiece but there were also tw...

The Joy Of Six

  OSCC, 138 all out, lost to Chorleywood, 139-6, by four wickets Offley maintained their perfect start to the season by losing for the sixth time in six outings at Chorleywood. Marc Ward extended his record as captain to 0-13. It might be argued that 13 is an unlucky number but in all honesty his other 12 games in charge haven't exactly been a raging success. Ward hasn't even won the toss yet this year. In many ways this was a typical Offley performance. Ward played another wanker's special (a lone hand) at the top of the order as he top-scored with 66 while the other 10 batters contributed 60 between them. Jamie Cummins crammed more dots into an innings than smugglers cramming illegal immigrants into a small dinghy. Richie Barker had another one of his special little diva moments and announced his retirement at tea. And, just when it seemed the game might prove a dramatic twist, Offley encountered a matchwinner in the opposition ranks they could do nothing about. Ward lost...