OSCC, 62 all out, lost to Jonno's Old Mates, 63-3, by 7 wickets After a particularly woeful performance German manager Franz Beckenbauer once said he could tie all of his players up in a sack and hit them with a stick and whoever got hit hardest would desrve it. Which pretty much sums up Offley's latest display of synchronised pooch fucking as a game scheduled to last 80 overs was done and dusted with 48.2 overs remaining. There have been plenty of inept Offley performances in the club's history but this one was pretty fucking special as a team that looked strong on proved to be about as resilient as a virgin's virtue in the back of Kyle Walker's car. Offley started with high hopes. Imagine heading off on a night out wearing a new designer shirt, expensive after shave and making a good impression with an attractive woman in a club. Fast forward a few hours (or in this case about 30 overs) and imagine waking up in bed as the little spoon with a toothless fat bird snu...

OSCC, 128-9, lost to Royal Herts, 129-6, by four wickets Marc Ward returned to the side as Offley attempted to make it three wins on the spin in the Herts League. Unfortunately they ended up losing for the fourteenth time in a row under Wardy's illustirous leadership, slipping to a four-wicket defeat on a snot heap of a wicket. Ward won the toss and elected to bat before realising that his team did not necessarily contain a great deal of batting. The captain led the way with a valiant 30, an innings that ended to the last ball before drinks when he successfully steered a wide full toss gently into the hands of point, the dismissal ending a 39-run stand for the fourth wicket with Jamie Cummins. Ward reacted to his dismissal with a series of self-recriminations featuring bat throwing, helmet smashing and vocal flagellation, all worthy of the Old Testament. By that point Richie Barker (1), Marcus Townsend (6) and Ian Peterson (8) had already made the long walk back to the hutch. Resum...

This is a very special appeal. This is Wardy. Ever since he was a little boy, he has had just one dream - to lead his cricket team to victory. Last year he finally got the chance to make his dream come true when he was appointed captain of Offley's Saturday side. Unfortunately, Offley lost every game Wardy played - they won a couple when he was absent, doing just enough not to finish dead last - and experienced that familiar relegation feeling. Despite that Wardy was reappointed for 2025 and has done an excellent job in recruiting players and getting teams on the field. Unfortunately, this commitment and dedication hasn't translated to success on the pitch - at least not when he's directing operations on the field. Five matches into the season and he's still searching for his first victory, losing every game in which he's been in charge. Fortunately he's been away for the last two games and Offley have managed to win both, despite fielding for the vast majority ...

OSCC, 117-0, beat Abbots Langley 149-7, on Run Rate On a day when the rain poured down to suggest an ark might be more useful than a pavilion, Offley made it four wins in a row - something that cannot honestly have happened since before the pandemic - as Adam Ward and Richie Barker shared an unbeaten 117-run partnership to secure a 10 wicket win. Once again it was a victory for the underdogs as Offley were reduced to 10 men for the final 30 overs of the innings after Scott Boatwright injured a calf muscle celebrating a catch. Seriously. Offley went into the match full of confidence, riding a three-game winning streak and safe in the knowledge that Captain Catastrophe, Marc Ward, was not playing. Barker won the toss and elected to bowl first with rain in the air and every chance of a shortened game. Offley got off to a good start as Syed Shah claimed two early wickets, both caught at the wicket by Boatwright. Boaty had flown in from Japan, landing at 6am and there was clearly a bit of n...

OSCC, 116-6, beat Shillington, 115-9, by four wickets OSCC, 174-6, beat Harpenden, 166 all out, by eight runs OSCC, 245-6, beat Hexton, 152 all out, by 93 runs Having started the season by losing six out of six - and conceding a seventh to boot - Offley kicked the season into life with a three-game sweep of assorted opponents. The week that began with the unfortunate Bus Wanka saga ended with the victory beers overflowing. Captain Roger Piepenstock secured the first win of the season against Shillington, having been elected to the position on the grounds of his patrician bearing and the fact he was the only one with a coin (a golden guinea presumably) to toss up. Manouvering his fielders with a combination of frantic arm-waving and polite requests one that conjured images of a pissed up usher at a garden party, Captain Piepenstock ensured Shillington were restricted to 115-9.  Mark Kirkman and Shane Jones were the pick of the bowlers with three wickets apiece but there were also tw...

  OSCC, 138 all out, lost to Chorleywood, 139-6, by four wickets Offley maintained their perfect start to the season by losing for the sixth time in six outings at Chorleywood. Marc Ward extended his record as captain to 0-13. It might be argued that 13 is an unlucky number but in all honesty his other 12 games in charge haven't exactly been a raging success. Ward hasn't even won the toss yet this year. In many ways this was a typical Offley performance. Ward played another wanker's special (a lone hand) at the top of the order as he top-scored with 66 while the other 10 batters contributed 60 between them. Jamie Cummins crammed more dots into an innings than smugglers cramming illegal immigrants into a small dinghy. Richie Barker had another one of his special little diva moments and announced his retirement at tea. And, just when it seemed the game might prove a dramatic twist, Offley encountered a matchwinner in the opposition ranks they could do nothing about. Ward lost...

 OSCC, 127-7, lost to Wolverton, 131-2, by 8 wickets That went well. Offley & Stopsley kicked off another league season with a less than narrow defeat as Jamie Cummins earned more nicknames than he pinched singles off the 42 deliveries he faced. By the time the dust had settled, new opening batsman Jamie, a man who looks like the lovechild of serial killers Rose West and Dennis Nielsen had strangled the life out of his own innings and picked up the nicknames Pol Dot (another mass murderer), Cotton (as in Dot), Harry Dotter, the Waiting Wall, the Sponge (soaks up pressure and deliveries) and also acquired a mail-order bride in the shape of Way Ting. And he genuinely thought the worst thing that was going to happen to him this weekend was at the Hawthorns. 10-man Offley won the toss and elected to bat on a bouncy track where 180 looked to be the minimum score and Cummins and Marc Ward set out to open the innings. Ward walked out with his bat, Cummins went out with a shovel and tr...

"We fight for lost causes because we know that our defeat and dismay may be the preface to our successors' victory." A day out that was confidently expected to end around lunchtime eventually drew to a close in the early evening as heavy underdogs, Offley & Stopsley C.C., otherwise known as the People's Champions, took their leave of Knebworth Park having reached the club's first final since 2008. Unquestionably no one was more surprised at making it through to the final than the team themselves, the semi-final victory prompting a flurry of hastily rearranged plans. Ultimately they were not victorious on the pitch - not exactly a shock as they were up against a side six divisions above them in the Saracens League, a gap that will be confirmed as eight divisions once the tables are finalised on Saturday night. Yet at the end of a torrid season where the club flag has been subjected to shot and shell, it was heartening to know it still fluttered defiantly in the...

  OSCC, 71 all out, got about halfway against Leverstock Green, 155 all out iPad At the captain's request (for a direct line please dial 0-9 for Wardy) I'm not allowed to mention what effect Saturday's result has had on our survival prospects. However, I think I am free to point out this challenging mathematical poser, namely what would happen if you took the points we have accumulated in the Bedfordshire league (depleted by 10 after Sunday's concession) and added them to those we have accumulated in the Saracens League? Answer: we'd still be pretty severely fucked.... Things did not begin well on Saturday.  Richie Barker missed out with a nasty toe injury (laughably sustained attempting to bowl seam in the nets) and Danny O'Brien was forced to withdraw on the morning of the match after a tough week at work. Roger Piepenstock, a man who lives within a stone's throw of the ground, although perhaps not if that stone is being thrown by an Offley fielder, subseq...